If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner.

I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.

My mother is from another time – the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that’s what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn’t know what I’m talking about. I know if I wasn’t her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going.

What I like about the jokes, to me it’s a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won’t be funny.

Our Lord has written the promise of resurrection, not in books alone, but in every leaf in springtime.

From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.

If I studied all my life, I couldn’t think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.

My neighbor has a circular driveway… he can’t get out.

The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.

She laughs at everything you say. Why? Because she has fine teeth.

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.

Are you laboring under the impression that I read these memoranda of yours? I can’t even lift them.

Despair is perfectly compatible with a good dinner, I promise you.

A lot of people think I’m a comedian.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.

It has always been my private conviction that any man who puts his intelligence up against a fish and loses had it coming.

Whenever I want to laugh, I read a wonderful book, ‚Children’s Letters to God.‘ You can open it anywhere. One I read recently said, ‚Dear God, thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.‘

It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

I sing and play the guitar, and I’m a walking, talking bacterial infection.

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

How many legs does a dog have if you call his tail a leg? Four. Saying that a tail is a leg doesn’t make it a leg.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

The mark of a true politician is that he is never at a loss for words because he is always half-expecting to be asked to make a speech.

Comedians are sociologists. We’re pointing out stuff that the general public doesn’t even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see.

When people laugh at Mickey Mouse, it’s because he’s so human; and that is the secret of his popularity.

Humor is the first of the gifts to perish in a foreign tongue.

I’d love to date somebody cool, fun, funny.

Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.

I bet after seeing us, George Washington would sue us for calling him ‚father.‘

Nobody enjoys the ‚little show about nothing‘ humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it.

If Everton were playing down the bottom of my garden, I’d draw the curtains.

An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn’t brood. I’d type a little faster.

I don’t think it’s possible to have a sense of tragedy without having a sense of humor.

I don’t like magic – but I have been known to make guys disappear.

Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all.

A man is in general better pleased when he has a good dinner upon his table, than when his wife talks Greek.

Like getting into a bleeding competition with a blood bank.

Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

If I couldn’t laugh I just would go insane, If we couldn’t laugh we just would go insane, If we weren’t all crazy we would go insane.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‚Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.‘ He said, ‚Yes, but not in a row.‘

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.

‚Educational‘ refers to the process, not the object. Although, come to think of it, some of my teachers could easily have been replaced by a cheeseburger.

Music with dinner is an insult both to the cook and the violinist.

How do you catch a knuckleball? You wait until it stops rolling, then go pick it up.

Scratch a Yale man with both hands and you’ll be lucky to find a coast-guard. Usually you find nothing at all.

I would never win an award for not loving pizza.

A difference of opinion is what makes horse racing and missionaries.

I’m not denyin‘ the women are foolish. God Almighty made ‚em to match the men.

Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.

Since childhood, I’ve been a clown. I’ve always liked being very funny or trying to make people laugh. It’s my original self.

Colleges are like old-age homes, except for the fact that more people die in colleges.

The book, ’12 Rules For Life,‘ is a very serious book. There’s elements of humor in it, but I’m trying to struggle with things at the deepest possible level and to explain to people why it’s necessary to live a upstanding and noble and moral and truthful and responsible life, and why there’s hell to pay if you don’t do that.

It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?

I’m comfortable in my own skin, no matter how far it’s stretched. Ha ha.

Men show their character in nothing more clearly than what they think laughable.

Marriage is neither heaven nor hell, it is simply purgatory.