Why, I’d horse-whip you if I had a horse.

All genuinely intellectual work is humorous.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it’s ready.

The secret to humor is surprise.

Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic – you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.

In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

We’re a phenomenally snobby society, and it’s such a rich seam. The middle class is so funny: it’s the class I know best, and it’s the class where you find the most pretension, so that’s what makes the middle classes so funny.

Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There’s entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky.

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.

If I couldn’t laugh I just would go insane, If we couldn’t laugh we just would go insane, If we weren’t all crazy we would go insane.

If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

People are always asking me in interviews, ‚What do you think of foreign affairs?‘ I just say, ‚I’ve had a few.‘

‚Educational‘ refers to the process, not the object. Although, come to think of it, some of my teachers could easily have been replaced by a cheeseburger.

If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: ‚President Can’t Swim.‘

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

I think that, ah, I’m a very goofy sort of person in many ways.

I’ll say things that are serious and put them in a joke form so people can enjoy them. We laugh to keep from crying.

I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her own way. And second, let her have it.

There’s nothing like white trash at the White House.

There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

There is a rumour going around that I have found God. I think this is unlikely because I have enough difficulty finding my keys, and there is empirical evidence that they exist.

America must not ignore the threat gathering against us. Facing clear evidence of peril, we cannot wait for the final proof, the smoking gun that could come in the form of a mushroom cloud.

I don’t know who I touch and who I don’t. I work hard trying to make people laugh. I try to do the kind of stuff that made me laugh growing up. I don’t have any secrets. I don’t know the reasons I’ve been so well received.

Eight years involved with the nuclear industry have taught me that when nothing can possible go wrong and every avenue has been covered, then is the time to buy a house on the next continent.

Every man sees in his relatives, and especially in his cousins, a series of grotesque caricatures of himself.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‚Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.‘ He said, ‚Yes, but not in a row.‘

Why don’t Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

Jerry Ford is so dumb he can’t fart and chew gum at the same time.

Babies don’t need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach… it pisses me off! I’ll go over to a little baby and say ‚What are you doing here? You haven’t worked a day in your life!‘

For me, the way I stay consistent is through stand-up comedy.

True humor springs not more from the head than from the heart. It is not contempt; its essence is love. It issues not in laughter, but in still smiles, which lie far deeper.

I do all my own stunts. I’m kidding.

In 1969, I gave up women and alcohol – it was the worst 20 minutes of my life.

Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won’t die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn’t have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn’t want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.

I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.

Frazier is so ugly that he should donate his face to the U.S. Bureau of Wild Life.

Since childhood, I’ve been a clown. I’ve always liked being very funny or trying to make people laugh. It’s my original self.

I hate to be smart.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

Most people wouldn’t know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.

If Everton were playing down the bottom of my garden, I’d draw the curtains.

I almost laughed about the Machiavellian plans of the presidents of the United States.

I confess I enjoy democracy immensely. It is incomparably idiotic, and hence incomparably amusing.

If you check your ego at the door when it comes to comedy, you’ve got a pretty good shot at making a great movie that you can commit yourself to, you can jump off the proverbial cliff with, and have a great time, and the audiences respond to that.

My philosophy is, it’s always very rewarding when you can make an audience laugh. I don’t mind making fun of myself. I like self-deprecating comedy. But I’d like you to laugh with me occasionally, too.

No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.

Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie… a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.

If I studied all my life, I couldn’t think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

Why can’t I just eat my waffle?