I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.

We love to expect, and when expectation is either disappointed or gratified, we want to be again expecting.

No traveler, whether a tree lover or not, will ever forget his first walk in a sugar-pine forest. The majestic crowns approaching one another make a glorious canopy, through the feathery arches of which the sunbeams pour, silvering the needles and gilding the stately columns and the ground into a scene of enchantment.

How many legs does a dog have if you call his tail a leg? Four. Saying that a tail is a leg doesn’t make it a leg.

A man who has not been in Italy, is always conscious of an inferiority.

A failure is a man who has blundered, but is not able to cash in the experience.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

The only way I’d be caught without makeup is if my radio fell in the bathtub while I was taking a bath and electrocuted me and I was in between makeup at home. I hope my husband would slap a little lipstick on me before he took me to the morgue.

Men are wise in proportion, not to their experience, but to their capacity for experience.

The left paw has done me well over the years. I’m not a scientist, I’m a martial artist.

She laughs at everything you say. Why? Because she has fine teeth.

I don’t think that experience is a very useful or convincing attribute for a sensible foreign policy. Henry Kissinger had a lot of experience.

Take my wife… Please!

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‚Did you sleep good?‘ I said ‚No, I made a few mistakes.‘

Marrying an old bachelor is like buying second-hand furniture.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There’s entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

I’ve 20,000 hours of clinical practice; you’re not naive after the first few thousand. I’ve helped people deal with things that most people can’t imagine.

Let me tell you something that we Israelis have against Moses. He took us 40 years through the desert in order to bring us to the one spot in the Middle East that has no oil!

If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.

Senator Kerry has been in Washington long enough to take both sides on just about every issue.

No one lives long enough to learn everything they need to learn starting from scratch. To be successful, we absolutely, positively have to find people who have already paid the price to learn the things that we need to learn to achieve our goals.

We were at a beach one summer, and I had a bathing suit on. My wife looked at me and said: ‚Boy, you are skinny, aren’t you?‘ I said: ‚Honey, I’d like to remind you that it was minor defects like this that kept me from getting a better wife.‘

Like getting into a bleeding competition with a blood bank.

I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.

I bet after seeing us, George Washington would sue us for calling him ‚father.‘

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

Since the very beginning, Emeril’s had a sense of humor about me calling him names and poking fun at him.

Our desires always disappoint us; for though we meet with something that gives us satisfaction, yet it never thoroughly answers our expectation.

I look just like the girls next door… if you happen to live next door to an amusement park.

Most of the stuff I do on the show comes out of me just trying to make my friends laugh.

Colleges are like old-age homes, except for the fact that more people die in colleges.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

Sarcasm: the last refuge of modest and chaste-souled people when the privacy of their soul is coarsely and intrusively invaded.

My show ‚The Big House‘ was picked up; they flew me to New York. I’m about to step on stage to announce Kevin Hart’s ‚The Big House.‘ And a hand grabs my shoulder, ‚Kevin no, they just decided to cancel it.‘ It’s a serious smack-in-the-face business, and either you can take it, or you can’t.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

Context and memory play powerful roles in all the truly great meals in one’s life.

Go up in an airplane. Go high enough, and it’s like we don’t even exist.

Obama’s not Jesus. He can’t walk on water.

I am not gay, but if I were, I would be the first one running out of the closet.

You might be the funniest guy in the world, but if you don’t have anything to talk about, people are eventually going to gravitate towards the guy that’s actually saying something.

This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.

Contrary to reports, this boy is not a billionaire or going to be richer than any Beatle… and not just in the sense of money, by the way; the Beatles are untouchable – those billionaire reports are a joke.

I love that I can tell the truth and have people laugh at it.

You have to be practical. So every time I say, if you want to write a novel you have to be practical, people get bored. They are disappointed. They are expecting a more dynamic, creative, artistic thing to say. What I want to say is: you have to be practical.

I remember straightening my hair because I wanted to be like everybody else, and now the fact that anybody would emulate what I do? It’s just funny.

There are three methods to gaining wisdom. The first is reflection, which is the highest. The second is limitation, which is the easiest. The third is experience, which is the bitterest.

In my early teens, I knew I wanted to do television production. I loved cameras, editing and producing, anything that had to do with television production. My friend had a production studio across town, and we’d go over there at night and shoot and edit. I produced my father’s televised service for 17 years.

Laughter is America’s most important export.

I’m always amazed that people take what I say seriously. I don’t even take what I am seriously.

Be brave. Take risks. Nothing can substitute experience.

Whoever doesn’t know it must learn and find by experience that ‚a quiet conscience makes one strong!‘

When my first semester grades came out, my mom and dad told me I wouldn’t be playing football.

Growing up I didn’t watch movies.

Whenever I say I made a record in the garage, people just assume that I have, like, a Lear jet parked in there or something. But really there’s old luggage, a couple of bikes. It’s big enough to put one minivan in. That’s it. No dartboard. I’m so not macho.

When I was with Andy Warhol, I thought, ‚God, his wig looks cheaper than mine!‘

I’ve been thinking of humorous things since I was… I can’t remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.