I won’t belong to any organization that would have me as a member.

People and organizations don’t grow much without delegation and completed staff work because they are confined to the capacities of the boss and reflect both personal strengths and weaknesses.

I am not gay, but if I were, I would be the first one running out of the closet.

Homework’s hard. Especially math. My kids joke with me. They tell me they have homework. I say, ‚Okay.‘ And then I sit down and they say, ‚It’s math.‘ ‚No! Not math! English, history, anything!‘

I’ve just had eighteen straight whiskies. I think that’s the record.

The land created me. I’m wild and lonesome. Even as I travel the cities, I’m more at home in the vacant lots.

I think it’s funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

I’ve always had to conquer fear when I’m on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It’s absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I’m okay. It’s like I’m out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me.

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.

No one in this world, so far as I know – and I have searched the records for years, and employed agents to help me – has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‚Where’s the self-help section?‘ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would be an affront to your intelligence.

It is unnatural for a majority to rule, for a majority can seldom be organized and united for specific action, and a minority can.

I confess I enjoy democracy immensely. It is incomparably idiotic, and hence incomparably amusing.

There is another old poet whose name I do not now remember who said, ‚Truth is the daughter of Time.‘

Humor has bailed me out of more tight situations than I can think of. If you go with your instincts and keep your humor, creativity follows. With luck, success comes, too.

Obama’s not Jesus. He can’t walk on water.

How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is to have a thankless child!

Often I sort of work up and down the manuscript. I sometimes used to go ahead of myself to see what was going to happen next, to make certain it fits what was going to be happening soon.

Marrying an old bachelor is like buying second-hand furniture.

Want balance in your life? Then sure, get your own act together, but don’t forget four powerful disciplines of execution in your team and organization.

I’m half-Irish, half-Dutch, and I was born in Belgium. If I was a dog, I’d be in a hell of a mess!

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.

My husband calls me ‚catfish.‘ He says I’m all mouth and no brains.

I’ll die a crazy old man!

I’ve got a great sense of humor.

You can fool some of the people all the time, and those are the ones you want to concentrate on.

I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

It’s very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that’s not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It’s a gut feeling.

A good laugh is sunshine in the house.

One always has time enough, if one will apply it well.

There is nothing so difficult to marry as a large nose.

When things get so absurd and so stupid and so ridiculous that you just can’t bear it, you cannot help but turn everything into a joke.

A lot of people think I’m a comedian.

A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

If people think nature is their friend, then they sure don’t need an enemy.

All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.

There are men so philosophical that they can see humor in their own toothaches. But there has never lived a man so philosophical that he could see the toothache in his own humor.

Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

I’m not a serious person, and I don’t like serious people.

A man can take a little bourbon without getting drunk, but if you hold his mouth open and pour in a quart, he’s going to get sick on it.

I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.

As the biggest library if it is in disorder is not as useful as a small but well-arranged one, so you may accumulate a vast amount of knowledge but it will be of far less value than a much smaller amount if you have not thought it over for yourself.

The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What is called resignation is confirmed desperation.

Any reviewer who expresses rage and loathing for a novel is preposterous. He or she is like a person who has put on full armor and attacked a hot fudge sundae.

Science is organized knowledge. Wisdom is organized life.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.

My husband says I look like a Q-tip.

It’s not true I had nothing on, I had the radio on.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

The only way I’d be caught without makeup is if my radio fell in the bathtub while I was taking a bath and electrocuted me and I was in between makeup at home. I hope my husband would slap a little lipstick on me before he took me to the morgue.

Historically, the stuff of the universe goes on becoming concentrated into ever more organized forms of matter.

First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you.

Plan your work for today and every day, then work your plan.