I remember the first time I had sex – I kept the receipt.

When I was a boy we didn’t wake up with Vietnam and have Cyprus for lunch and the Congo for dinner.

Money, it turned out, was exactly like sex, you thought of nothing else if you didn’t have it and thought of other things if you did.

I’m odd looking. Sometimes I think I look like a funny muppet.

Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.

Christmas is the perfect time to celebrate the love of God and family and to create memories that will last forever. Jesus is God’s perfect, indescribable gift. The amazing thing is that not only are we able to receive this gift, but we are able to share it with others on Christmas and every other day of the year.

We forget our pleasures, we remember our sufferings.

Since childhood, I’ve been a clown. I’ve always liked being very funny or trying to make people laugh. It’s my original self.

If you look at me close enough, there’s a small resemblance to a chicken nugget. I don’t know if it’s my skin texture or my hair, but the resemblance is definitely there.

Cooking certain dishes, like roast pork, reminds me of my mother.

I left Mainz after 18 years and thought, ‚Next time, I will work with a little less of my heart.‘ I said that because we all cried for a week. The city gave us a goodbye party, and it lasted a week.

I think it’s funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

I know a man who doesn’t pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

The ‚Billionaire‘ song is what my kids tease me with. They sing it to me. It’s funny.

I’ve got a great sense of humor.

I was 14, and I fell in love with Pink Floyd.

To me the ego is the habitual and compulsive thought processes that go through everybody’s mind continuously. External things like possessions or memories or failures or successes or achievements. Your personal history.

When I was 16… I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because… they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

What I like about the jokes, to me it’s a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won’t be funny.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

Love is a really scary thing, and you never know what’s going to happen. It’s one of the most beautiful things in life, but it’s one of the most terrifying. It’s worth the fear because you have more knowledge, experience, you learn from people, and you have memories.

My relationship with the mountains actually started when I was 16. Every year, a group used to be taken from Auckland Grammar down to the Tangariro National Park for a skiing holiday.

I told Warren if he mentions Prop. 13 one more time, he has to do 500 push-ups.

I look just like the girls next door… if you happen to live next door to an amusement park.

Sometimes I wish my first word was ‚quote,‘ so that on my death bed, my last words could be ‚end quote.‘

I’ve had a lot of ridiculous haircuts.

Some of my foster families used to send me to the movies to get me out of the house and there I’d sit all day and way into the night. Up in front, there with the screen so big, a little kid all alone, and I loved it. I loved anything that moved up there and I didn’t miss anything that happened and there was no popcorn either.

My parents were divorced by the time I was even conscious – like, I don’t remember them ever being together.

It’s a funny old world.

Christmas morning, I’m going to open presents with my kids. I’m going to take pictures of them opening the presents. Then I’m going to come to the Staples Center and get ready to work.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

Each has his past shut in him like the leaves of a book known to him by his heart, and his friends can only read the title.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.

In my dreams I hear again the crash of guns, the rattle of musketry, the strange, mournful mutter of the battlefield.

If you remember me, then I don’t care if everyone else forgets.

I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.

I never saw any of my dad’s stories. My mother said he had piles and piles of manuscripts.

Take care of all your memories. For you cannot relive them.

A grandmother pretends she doesn’t know who you are on Halloween.

In the egoic state, your sense of self, your identity, is derived from your thinking mind – in other words, what your mind tells you about yourself: the storyline of you, the memories, the expectations, all the thoughts that go through your head continuously and the emotions that reflect those thoughts. All those things make up your sense of self.

I’m from the generation that had the boys‘ door and the girls‘ door when you went to school, and you got in big trouble if you went in the wrong one.

What money is better bestowed than that of a schoolboy’s tip? How the kindness is recalled by the recipient in after days! It blesses him that gives and him that takes.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.

San Francisco is gone. Nothing remains of it but memories.

If Everton were playing down the bottom of my garden, I’d draw the curtains.

I remember my mother’s prayers and they have always followed me. They have clung to me all my life.

From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It’s in the apartment somewhere.

I don’t dislike any of my exes. If I took time to form a relationship, it’s gonna hurt when we move on, but are you puttin‘ White-Out over all that beautiful time together? That was real time in your life. It’s connected to where you are today.

Upon the farm of the uncle with whom I lived, we did know of the mortgage as some dreadful damper on youthful hopes of things that could not be bought. I do have a vivid recollection that the major purpose of a farm was to produce a living right on the spot for the family.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

With all singers, insecurity is your best security. That’s why we’re such loud people and why we walk all funny. You think, ‚Are people interested?‘ But I think our band has something and they know we don’t just put albums out. We do think about it.

I can imagine in years to come that my papers and memorabilia, my journals and letters, will find themselves always in the company of people who care about many of the things I do.

Funny is the world I live in. You’re funny, I’m interested. You’re not funny, I’m not interested.

Until 1914 I loved to travel; I often went to Italy and once spent a few months in India. Since then I have almost entirely abandoned travelling, and I have not been outside of Switzerland for over ten years.

I had the classic 40 meltdown. I did. It’s embarrassing. It was pretty funny. But then I recovered. To me, it was like a second adolescence. Hormonally, my body was changing, my mind was changing, and so my relationship to myself and the world around me came to this assault of finiteness.

It is really funny when people say you’d be obvious for a great villain.

Living is like tearing through a museum. Not until later do you really start absorbing what you saw, thinking about it, looking it up in a book, and remembering – because you can’t take it in all at once.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.