No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.

Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.

How do you catch a knuckleball? You wait until it stops rolling, then go pick it up.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

When you’re in comedy, people always come up and say, ‚Oh, it must be so hard.‘ It really isn’t hard unless you’re not good at it. If you can do it, its really kind of fun and easy.

Short cuts make long delays.

Times and conditions change so rapidly that we must keep our aim constantly focused on the future.

The one thing I regret was that my work required an enormous amount of my time, and a lot of travel.

The French complain of everything, and always.

Before I went to jail, I was active in politics as a member of South Africa’s leading organization – and I was generally busy from 7 A.M. until midnight. I never had time to sit and think.

Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.

I realize I don’t do a very good job in keeping up to date, but I try to.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‚Did you sleep good?‘ I said ‚No, I made a few mistakes.‘

Funny is the world I live in. You’re funny, I’m interested. You’re not funny, I’m not interested.

The funny thing is people won’t let me pay for things. I’ll be in a restaurant and the manager will say, ‚Oh no, it’s on the house.‘

I’m half-Irish, half-Dutch, and I was born in Belgium. If I was a dog, I’d be in a hell of a mess!

My goal is to make everyone and anyone a Kevin Hart fan.

Work as if you were to live a hundred years. Pray as if you were to die tomorrow.

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.

At 17, I went to Stanford University to study engineering. My time was occupied with the required reading and the extracurricular duties of managing the baseball and football teams and earning my way.

The only reason for time is so that everything doesn’t happen at once.

Teach a parrot the terms ‚supply and demand‘ and you’ve got an economist.

People who have time on their hands will inevitably waste the time of people who have work to do.

When I was with Andy Warhol, I thought, ‚God, his wig looks cheaper than mine!‘

All things will be produced in superior quantity and quality, and with greater ease, when each man works at a single occupation, in accordance with his natural gifts, and at the right moment, without meddling with anything else.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Three o’clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

Husbands never become good; they merely become proficient.

We must laugh at man to avoid crying for him.

Good humor is one of the best articles of dress one can wear in society.

I don’t like magic – but I have been known to make guys disappear.

If you love life, don’t waste time, for time is what life is made up of.

Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie… a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.

When you get into your car, shut the door and be there for just half a minute. Breathe, feel the energy inside your body, look around at the sky, the trees. The mind might tell you, ‚I don’t have time.‘ But that’s the mind talking to you. Even the busiest person has time for 30 seconds of space.

When the burdens of the presidency seem unusually heavy, I always remind myself it could be worse. I could be a mayor.

I have a good team. It’s good to have a good team.

Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

If you check your ego at the door when it comes to comedy, you’ve got a pretty good shot at making a great movie that you can commit yourself to, you can jump off the proverbial cliff with, and have a great time, and the audiences respond to that.

The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. It never works. That’s why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, ‚Bye!‘

Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleep.

I try to be funny and not ignorant.

The difference between a misfortune and a calamity is this: If Gladstone fell into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again, that would be a calamity.

Your greatest asset is your earning ability. Your greatest resource is your time.

Of all the subjects on this planet, I think my parents would have been hard put to name one less useful than Greek mythology to securing the keys to an executive bathroom.

I’m not a serious person, and I don’t like serious people.

But there are advantages to being elected President. The day after I was elected, I had my high school grades classified Top Secret.

Contrary to reports, this boy is not a billionaire or going to be richer than any Beatle… and not just in the sense of money, by the way; the Beatles are untouchable – those billionaire reports are a joke.

My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.

I would never win an award for not loving pizza.

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.

He is winding the watch of his wit; by and by it will strike.

Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, ‚What for?‘ I said, ‚I’m going to buy some sugar.‘

I still derive immense pleasure from remembering how many hod-carrying brickies were encouraged to put on lurex tights and mince up and down the high street, having been assured by know-it-alls like me that a smidgen of blusher really attracted the birds.

You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.

I’m not an employee who goes to the office every morning at the same time. Then, vacations are needed.

‚Discworld‘ is taking something that you know is ridiculous and treating it as if it is serious, to see if something interesting happens when you do so.

I get up early in the morning, 4 o’clock, and I sit at my desk and what I do is just dream. After three or four hours, that’s enough. In the afternoon, I run.

I know some of the best Dolly Parton jokes. I made ‚em up myself.

I have no time to think about other writers. I am too busy with my own problems.

I’m always amazed that people take what I say seriously. I don’t even take what I am seriously.