A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.

When I die, I’m gonna leave my body to science fiction.

If I had to describe myself to an alien I’d say I was bigger than the average human, enjoy a drink or two with a good meal and have a bigger head than most. I’d also say I’m really handsome – especially if they were a female alien.

My life has been one great big joke, a dance that’s walked a song that’s spoke, I laugh so hard I almost choke when I think about myself.

Of puns it has been said that those who most dislike them are those who are least able to utter them.

You can always count on Americans to do the right thing – after they’ve tried everything else.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.

In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. It never works. That’s why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, ‚Bye!‘

I can honestly say, after talking about my mom passing away, I got the biggest weight off of my chest. Comedy is my therapy. That’s how I deal with my problems, my personal battles. I talk about it. I give it to my fans. When they laugh at it, it’s a release, for lack of a better word.

I think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.

You might be the funniest guy in the world, but if you don’t have anything to talk about, people are eventually going to gravitate towards the guy that’s actually saying something.

I was training to be an electrician. I suppose I got wired the wrong way round somewhere along the line.

If you spend your life competing with business men, what do you have? A bank account and ulcers!

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

Doing Saturday Night Live definitely affects my relationship with my girlfriend and with my family, because you feel so much pressure to do well that night. But I think everyone’s grown to accept that and so they give me my space at the show.

Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it’s dangerous.

I’ll die a crazy old man!

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

There is only one step from the sublime to the ridiculous.

Talent grips us. We are overtaken by the beauty of Michelangelo’s sculpture, riveted by Mariah Carey’s angelic voice, doubled over in laughter by the comedy of Robin Williams, and captivated by the on screen performances of Denzel Washington.

Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial ‚we.‘

A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.

My goal is to make everyone and anyone a Kevin Hart fan.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

She laughs at everything you say. Why? Because she has fine teeth.

There’s many a man has more hair than wit.

I can get where some scientists would say comedians are crazy. What you have to understand: A lot of comedians are dealing with a dark passion. A lot of these are guys coming from a tumultuous life, including myself. Some people need outlets, a way to express yourself.

How many legs does a dog have if you call his tail a leg? Four. Saying that a tail is a leg doesn’t make it a leg.

I now have two different audiences. There’s the one that has been watching my action films for 20 years, and the American family audience. American jokes, less fighting.

Stand-up comedy is mine: it’s my entity; it’s my brand; I own it. I do it when I want to do it.

A politician is an arse upon which everyone has sat except a man.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It’s commenting or observing or twisting life.

He is winding the watch of his wit; by and by it will strike.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‚Where’s the self-help section?‘ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I often joke that 100 years from now I hope people are saying, ‚Dang, she looks good for her age!‘

I’m not a serious person, and I don’t like serious people.

I don’t like magic – but I have been known to make guys disappear.

A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.

I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.

If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything.

Stand-up is hard. Or to keep it at a certain level is hard: I have no writers but me.

A man’s got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.

I’m standing behind a wall of jokes. You don’t know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I’m not on the road. There’s this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don’t know anything about me.

When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer ‚Present‘ or ‚Not guilty.‘

My way of joking is to tell the truth. That’s the funniest joke in the world.

Let me tell you something that we Israelis have against Moses. He took us 40 years through the desert in order to bring us to the one spot in the Middle East that has no oil!

When a man says money can do anything, that settles it: he hasn’t got any.

Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can’t predict what people will laugh at.

There’s nothing like white trash at the White House.

What I like about the jokes, to me it’s a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won’t be funny.