Different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

In poverty and other misfortunes of life, true friends are a sure refuge. The young they keep out of mischief; to the old they are a comfort and aid in their weakness, and those in the prime of life they incite to noble deeds.

When you really don’t like a guy, they’re all over you, and as soon as you act like you like them, they’re no longer interested.

I like George Carlin’s jokes. I like his humor. He’s one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.

I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don’t let anybody tell you different.

I have a very strict gun control policy: if there’s a gun around, I want to be in control of it.

He who lives in our mind is near though he may actually be far away; but he who is not in our heart is far though he may really be nearby.

If you wished to be loved, love.

Hear reason, or she’ll make you feel her.

Logically, harmony must come from the heart… Harmony very much based on trust. As soon as use force, creates fear. Fear and trust cannot go together.

Really showing love requires more than just words.

If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

Romance should never begin with sentiment. It should begin with science and end with a settlement.

Choose your life’s mate carefully. From this one decision will come 90 percent of all your happiness or misery.

Believe it or not, I make myself laugh. Sometimes when I have thoughts or say some things that are funny, it just makes me laugh, and I don’t mind laughing at it before you guys do.

The right honourable gentleman caught the Whigs bathing, and walked away with their clothes. He has left them in the full enjoyment of their liberal positions, and he is himself a strict conservative of their garments.

An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.

Friendship is essentially a partnership.

People who do not know how to laugh are always pompous and self-conceited.

There was one incident at a movie theater where my girl got mad at these guys who were talking behind us. I never looked back there, but she was like, ‚Will you all just shut up!‘ And I just got up and moved three rows in front. She was like, ‚What are you doing?!‘ I was like, ‚You better get up here! I don’t play the fighting games.‘

Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.

Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.

I like some animals more than some people, some people more than some animals.

Friendships, in general, are suddenly contracted; and therefore it is no wonder they are easily dissolved.

I’m a meathead, man. You’ve got smart people, and you’ve got dumb people. I just happen to be dumb.

We do not so much need the help of our friends as the confidence of their help in need.

Happiness is a hard master, particularly other people’s happiness.

Intimates are predestined.

The thing that I fear discriminating against is humor and truth.

I sing and play the guitar, and I’m a walking, talking bacterial infection.

An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.

Love possesses not nor will it be possessed, for love is sufficient unto love.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.

I have a personal ambition to live my life honestly and honor the true love that I’ve had and also the people I’ve had around me. I want to stay hopeful, even though I get scared about why we’re even alive at all.

You can’t trample infidels when you’re a tortoise. I mean, all you could do is give them a meaningful look.

A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes.

I still derive immense pleasure from remembering how many hod-carrying brickies were encouraged to put on lurex tights and mince up and down the high street, having been assured by know-it-alls like me that a smidgen of blusher really attracted the birds.

He who is cruel to animals becomes hard also in his dealings with men. We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of animals.

A man has a tendency to accept you the way you are, while most women immediately start to pick flaws and want to change you.

I never promise anything. I don’t promise anything to my mum. I don’t promise anything to the supporters.

If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.

I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress.

Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.

Is everything funny? For me, yes. There’s a positive to every negative. Even my divorce? For me, yes. If you go back and look at it, why it happened or how it happened, there’s something in there that’ll make you laugh.

The second time around, I’ll understand that, as a husband, my wife doesn’t care about my opinions. I just need to tell her the things that will continue to help me stack the brownie points.

I’m crazy, but I’m not stupid.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

Take my wife… Please!

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

I’ve known and continue to know every one of these major world leaders by their first names, and I have access to them.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. That’s the funniest joke in the world.

What I have never been afraid of is to be a little silly, and you can engage people that way. My view is, first you get them to laugh, then you get them to listen.

My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.

Life’s too short to deal with other people’s insecurities.

People want to know why I do this, why I write such gross stuff. I like to tell them I have the heart of a small boy… and I keep it in a jar on my desk.

The love of the family, the love of one person can heal. It heals the scars left by a larger society. A massive, powerful society.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.