A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

When I die, I’m gonna leave my body to science fiction.

Every parting gives a foretaste of death, every reunion a hint of the resurrection.

Always remember that others may hate you but those who hate you don’t win unless you hate them. And then you destroy yourself.

What makes all doctrines plain and clear? About two hundred pounds a year. And that which was proved true before, prove false again? Two hundred more.

The greatest gift that you can give to others is the gift of unconditional love and acceptance.

You can bear your own faults, and why not a fault in your wife?

You bring children into the world. You love them with heart and soul.

I was married a few times, and one of my husbands was jealous of me writing.

I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming.

Be of love a little more careful than of anything.

I have a brother and sister; my mother does not care for thought, and father, too busy with his briefs to notice what we do. He buys me many books, but begs me not to read them, because he fears they joggle the mind.

If women were particular about men’s characters, they would never get married at all.

It destroys one’s nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being.

There are always people always asking you for something. But I feel like I have a foundation. I have a supporting cast where it doesn’t bother me too much.

Within one’s own family, money is not the measure of things, unless the person is an absolute Scrooge. Only the most extreme kind of monster would put a price on everything.

Most people would rather give than get affection.

I won’t belong to any organization that would have me as a member.

The wisest hustler can suddenly fall for the worst tramp and lose all of his money on her. The hustler is aware of his own weaknesses and openings to con. This awareness is his edge.

Love always ends differently and it always begins differently – especially with me.

I’ve done the bad-boy thing. It was fun for a good three months. But the thing about bad boys is, you have to keep in mind, you’re never gonna marry a bad boy.

This is what is hardest: to close the open hand because one loves.

For how many things, which for our own sake we should never do, do we perform for the sake of our friends.

You don’t choose your family. They are God’s gift to you, as you are to them.

Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can’t predict what people will laugh at.

The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.

What’s really hard is that you could care a lot for someone and not want to live with him anymore.

I married my best friend that happens to be a girl.

If a man does not make new acquaintances as he advances through life, he will soon find himself left alone. A man, sir, should keep his friendship in a constant repair.

I did stand-up, weird and ignorant stuff about my career – anything for a laugh.

I’ve laid my friends bare.

I don’t eat with beautiful women alone.

To be a successful father… there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.

My wife has about everything I can think of.

I have no desire to crow over anybody or to see anybody eating crow, figuratively or otherwise. We should all get together and make a country in which everybody can eat turkey whenever he pleases.

A lot of good love can happen in ten years.

Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.

We’re so immaturely cynical as a culture. We’re not wise enough to look at an institution like marriage and to really things about what it means and what it signifies. It signifies a place where people can tie the ropes of their lives together so that they’re stronger. It signifies a place where people can tell the truth to one another.

I know when I grew up, it was, if it was daylight outside, get outside. Well, now, with the technological age of computers and everything, everyone’s inside virtually going everywhere they want to go, virtually having relationships, virtually traveling across the neighborhood, virtually going to that island.

You can’t have a relationship with a device whose limits are unknown to you, because without limits, it keeps becoming something else.

Consult your friend on all things, especially on those which respect yourself. His counsel may then be useful where your own self-love might impair your judgment.

Knavery and flattery are blood relations.

I think we have to own the fears that we have of each other, and then, in some practical way, some daily way, figure out how to see people differently than the way we were brought up to.

Politics is such a torment that I advise everyone I love not to mix with it.

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.

The reason why men do not obey us, is because they see the mud at the bottom of our eye.

This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

Love is something far more than desire for sexual intercourse; it is the principal means of escape from the loneliness which afflicts most men and women throughout the greater part of their lives.

Keeping score is for games, not friendships.

In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.

My mother, I suppose, is still a main figure in my life because her life was so sad and unfair, and she so brave, but also because she was determined to make me into the Sunday-school-recitation little girl I was, from the age of seven or so, fighting not to be.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it.

The Tao teaches us not to intervene and interfere. The things we love we have to learn to leave alone. And the people we love we have to learn to let them be.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Don’t get the impression that you arouse my anger. You see, one can only be angry with those he respects.

I think it’s funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

It’s fun to be hopelessly in love. It’s dangerous, but it’s fun.

I have a family, loving aunts, and a good home. No, on the surface I seem to have everything except my one true friend. All I think about when I’m with friends is having a good time. I can’t bring myself to talk about anything but ordinary everyday things. We don’t seem to be able to get any closer, and that’s the problem.

I was extremely lucky that I had two great wives. It sounds a bit funny to say that, but it’s absolutely true.