When a man says money can do anything, that settles it: he hasn’t got any.

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.

God and I have a great relationship, but we both see other people.

There is a noble manner of being poor, and who does not know it will never be rich.

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

It is best to rise from life as from a banquet, neither thirsty nor drunken.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

The term ‚globalisation‘ is conventionally used to refer to the specific form of investor-rights integration designed by wealth and power, for their own interests.

My family didn’t have a lot of money, so I worked my heart out to get my degrees. But the minute I graduated, suddenly everyone was asking me, ‚Well, when are you going to get married and start having kids?‘ And the truth is I had no idea how I would balance the expected role of wife and mother with a challenging career.

Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

Whatever is well said by another, is mine.

It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?

Of course, I do everything for money.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

I don’t think it’s possible to have a sense of tragedy without having a sense of humor.

A bone to the dog is not charity. Charity is the bone shared with the dog, when you are just as hungry as the dog.

I mean, families are weird.

I was the first woman to burn my bra – it took the fire department four days to put it out.

Nobody spends any money on smallpox unless they worry about a bio-terrorist recreating it.

I think the word rich is all relative.

I have a very strict gun control policy: if there’s a gun around, I want to be in control of it.

Wealth is well known to be a great comforter.

Measure your wealth by what you’d have left if you lost all your money.

From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.

Money for me today does not really matter.

Husbands never become good; they merely become proficient.

Money has never made man happy, nor will it, there is nothing in its nature to produce happiness. The more of it one has the more one wants.

I’m not denyin‘ the women are foolish. God Almighty made ‚em to match the men.

He shines in the second rank, who is eclipsed in the first.

If you prick us do we not bleed? If you tickle us do we not laugh? If you poison us do we not die? And if you wrong us shall we not revenge?

It’s very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that’s not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It’s a gut feeling.

Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It’s like stealing a two-year-old.

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.

So live with men as if God saw you and speak to God, as if men heard you.

For people who live in the suburbs and must commute long distances to work, their wealth will sink as energy prices rise.

I don’t give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations, if you live near him.

To be a successful father… there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.

A development deal is where they’re giving you recording time and money to record, but not promising that they’ll put an album out.

Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.

As a young kid, I really wanted to be rich.

I sing and play the guitar, and I’m a walking, talking bacterial infection.

Ice-cream is exquisite – what a pity it isn’t illegal.

Money and investing can be complex, confusing, and often boring subjects.

I’ve seen George Foreman shadow boxing, and the shadow won.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.

I know some of the best Dolly Parton jokes. I made ‚em up myself.

Sir, my concern is not whether God is on our side; my greatest concern is to be on God’s side, for God is always right.

Music should strike fire from the heart of man, and bring tears from the eyes of woman.

There’s many a man has more hair than wit.

Like getting into a bleeding competition with a blood bank.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.

Love is blind; friendship closes its eyes.

No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man.

I look just like the girls next door… if you happen to live next door to an amusement park.

A man’s got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

I’m so old, I don’t buy green bananas any more.

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.