A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.

The second time around, I’ll understand that, as a husband, my wife doesn’t care about my opinions. I just need to tell her the things that will continue to help me stack the brownie points.

I do have a lot of gays in my family now, but some will never come out.

The greatest gift is a portion of thyself.

A woman can bring a new love to each man she loves, providing there are not too many.

The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.

Have you not noticed that love is silence? It may be while holding the hand of another, or looking lovingly at a child, or taking in the beauty of an evening. Love has no past or future, and so it is with this extraordinary state of silence.

The things I want to know are in books; my best friend is the man who’ll get me a book I ain’t read.

Finding good partners is the key to success in anything: in business, in marriage and, especially, in investing.

The only way to have a friend is to be one.

If you cry over a guy, then your friends can’t date him. It can’t even be considered.

I know that I’m not the easiest person to live with. The challenge I put on myself is so great that the person I live with feels himself challenged. I bring a lot to bear, and I don’t know how not to.

Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There’s entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky.

No married man is genuinely happy if he has to drink worse whisky than he used to drink when he was single.

Unless you love someone, nothing else makes any sense.

One can love a child, perhaps, more deeply than one can love another adult, but it is rash to assume that the child feels any love in return.

My mother did not like children.

Don’t be getting sloppy drunk and telling them dirty jokes.

What difference is there between us, save a restless dream that follows my soul but fears to come near you?

Jealousy is just love and hate at the same time.

I think I have a certain respect for people, you know. And I guess a lot of times I expect that respect to go both ways.

Peace and friendship with all mankind is our wisest policy, and I wish we may be permitted to pursue it.

It is not funny that anything else should fall down; only that a man should fall down. Why do we laugh? Because it is a gravely religious matter: it is the Fall of Man. Only man can be absurd: for only man can be dignified.

Self-interest is the enemy of all true affection.

We are not angry with people we fear or respect, as long as we fear or respect them; you cannot be afraid of a person and also at the same time angry with him.

Lovers often invest their first meetings with retrospective significance, as if to try to conjure the elements of the numinous out of the stubborn witness of the everyday.

So far is it from being true that men are naturally equal, that no two people can be half an hour together, but one shall acquire an evident superiority over the other.

Irrespective of age, we mourn for those loved and lost. Mourning is one of the deepest expressions of pure love.

Trash talk? Smack talk? This is an American term that makes me laugh. I simply speak the truth. I’m an Irish man.

If I’m gonna write songs about my exes, they can write songs about me. That’s how it works.

Relationships based on obligation lack dignity.

I never considered a difference of opinion in politics, in religion, in philosophy, as cause for withdrawing from a friend.

No matter what message you are about to deliver somewhere, whether it is holding out a hand of friendship, or making clear that you disapprove of something, is the fact that the person sitting across the table is a human being, so the goal is to always establish common ground.

It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?

He that hath wife and children hath given hostages to fortune; for they are impediments to great enterprises, either of virtue or mischief.

By taking a second wife he pays the highest compliment to the first, by showing that she made him so happy as a married man, that he wishes to be so a second time.

Never explain – your friends do not need it and your enemies will not believe you anyway.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it.

People think, because we’re young, we aren’t complex, but that’s not true. We deal with life and love and broken hearts in the same way a woman a few years older might.

Friendship is a plant of slow growth and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity before it is entitled to the appellation.

Keeping score is for games, not friendships.

Every man’s reputation proceeds from those of his own household.

To understand Europe, you have to be a genius – or French.

It’s probably the worst feeling in the world, when you’re deeply and madly in love with a woman and you know she’s not feeling you the same way, and you don’t know why.

I hate to be smart.

Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.

Ever since I dated a woman, I know what it is to grab a curve on a woman’s body. Skinny’s not fine when the lights are low.

Take my wife… Please!

A man can be happy with any woman, as long as he does not love her.

We cannot always assure the future of our friends; we have a better chance of assuring our future if we remember who our friends are.

It’s very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that’s not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It’s a gut feeling.

I was a class clown. At 12, I was definitely clowning. I was making all the jokes. But I was smart, so the teachers didn’t know what to do with me.

Any reviewer who expresses rage and loathing for a novel is preposterous. He or she is like a person who has put on full armor and attacked a hot fudge sundae.

What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce.

Why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

I used to tell my husband that, if he could make me ‚understand‘ something, it would be clear to all the other people in the country.

A woman seldom asks advice before she has bought her wedding clothes.

Better to be occasionally cheated than perpetually suspicious.

There’s nothing in the world like the devotion of a married woman. It’s a thing no married man knows anything about.

I’ll let you be in my dreams if I can be in yours.