I’ve exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Every man sees in his relatives, and especially in his cousins, a series of grotesque caricatures of himself.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.

Part of my daily regime is my glucosamine and, of course, a multitude of multivitamins. Branched-chain amino acids, glutamine, of course protein. I have one protein shake a day, and that is immediately after my training.

Of puns it has been said that those who most dislike them are those who are least able to utter them.

Teach a parrot the terms ‚supply and demand‘ and you’ve got an economist.

Jiu Jitsu is a great workout both mentally and physically. You want to be strong for it and flexible for it.

When you tell a recruiter that you’re almost 300 pounds and you want to be a SEAL, it doesn’t go too well. I got hung up on a lot.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?

I never wanted to weigh more heavily on a man than a bird.

I love that I can tell the truth and have people laugh at it.

I didn’t think Marilyn Monroe was beautiful. It used to worry me. I thought maybe I’m not put together like the other chaps.

God and I have a great relationship, but we both see other people.

Working out anchors my day.

There is nothing so difficult to marry as a large nose.

God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.

You can always count on Americans to do the right thing – after they’ve tried everything else.

For me, it’s a purity thing about the joke itself. It’s a test of a joke whether or not you do it completely clean and it works. If it does, then that’s a legitimate item you have there. For me, it’s nothing to do with finding those words offensive. It’s just not what I’m in search of. Do it clean, and you are really earning that laugh.

A politician is an arse upon which everyone has sat except a man.

I still work out on a daily basis.

What I have never been afraid of is to be a little silly, and you can engage people that way. My view is, first you get them to laugh, then you get them to listen.

Ice-cream is exquisite – what a pity it isn’t illegal.

I have tennis shoes with little rhinestones that I slip on if I exercise. But I always wear heels, even around the house. I’m such a short little thing, I can’t reach my kitchen cabinets.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.

The dieting wars have got to stop.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

Gentle dullness ever loves a joke.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

There’s different kinds of laughs. It’s like a baseball lineup: this guy’s your power hitter, this guy gets on base, this guy works out walks. If everybody does their job, we’re gonna win.

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.

I always find the time to exercise – kitesurfing, tennis or cycling – and to spend time with my loved ones.

I was extremely lucky that I had two great wives. It sounds a bit funny to say that, but it’s absolutely true.

I can encourage my daughter to love her body, but what really matters are the observations she makes about my relationship with my own body.

There’s many a man has more hair than wit.

Trash talk? Smack talk? This is an American term that makes me laugh. I simply speak the truth. I’m an Irish man.

It has always been my private conviction that any man who puts his intelligence up against a fish and loses had it coming.

The last three or four reps is what makes the muscle grow. This area of pain divides the champion from someone else who is not a champion. That’s what most people lack, having the guts to go on and just say they’ll go through the pain no matter what happens.

I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.

F2’s much harder physically on the arms and almost on the whole body than F1 is.

There are men so philosophical that they can see humor in their own toothaches. But there has never lived a man so philosophical that he could see the toothache in his own humor.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic – you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.

I didn’t start sweating until I had children. That was one of the first things I realized when my daughter Violet was born – I started getting wicked BO. You know there’s a difference between basketball BO and stress BO? This was definitely stress BO. Like, new dad BO.

This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.

I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.

I hate going to the gym and doing it the old-fashioned way. I hate anything that’s too straightforward, too routine, too familiar. I get bored really, really quickly.

My daughter doesn’t even get my humor. She’s like, ‚Um, no. I don’t get it, Dad. Mmm, no, not that one, Dad.‘

I don’t mind making jokes, but I don’t want to look like one.

My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

To bear means to support the weight of that which is held. It is a sacred trust to bear the priesthood, which is the mighty power and authority of God.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That’s what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.

Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.

There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again.

To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It’s commenting or observing or twisting life.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

I have no desire to crow over anybody or to see anybody eating crow, figuratively or otherwise. We should all get together and make a country in which everybody can eat turkey whenever he pleases.