If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Over the years, all my coaches and my teammates have contributed a lot to shape my career. I can never forget their contribution and help.

My son is becoming me – just a silly, silly prankster guy.

How many legs does a dog have if you call his tail a leg? Four. Saying that a tail is a leg doesn’t make it a leg.

When I was with Andy Warhol, I thought, ‚God, his wig looks cheaper than mine!‘

When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.

How you played in yesterday’s game is all that counts.

I’ve seen George Foreman shadow boxing, and the shadow won.

I want kids. I want a soccer team, and I want a husband.

Seeing a live Kenny Chesney show, you know what you’re going to get. You know it’s going to be an all-day party.

The secret to humor is surprise.

If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.

A man’s got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.

My first assistant-coaching job in football was at William & Mary in 1961. The pay wasn’t much, so to get $300 more per year, I agreed to coach the golf team. I didn’t even know how to keep score, and really, my main job was not to wreck the van on the way to tournaments.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they’re eating sandwiches.

I don’t like to be bored.

On a good night, I get underwear, bras, and hotel-room keys thrown onstage… You start to think that you’re Tom Jones.

The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.

My husband calls me ‚catfish.‘ He says I’m all mouth and no brains.

I’m not a film buff. I don’t watch a lot of movies.

Music is part of the life of fashion, too.

Unless someone wants to look funny, I’ll not recommend anyone to copy my bowling action. But on a serious note, with the confidence that I have got from the amount of runs I have been scoring, when I’m thrown the ball to bowl, I am pretty sure of what I have to do. I may not be the most attractive to watch while bowling, but I can be effective.

I laugh and joke, but I don’t get distracted very easily.

I treated it like every day was my last day with a basketball.

My kids are the funniest two human beings there are.

Together with a culture of work, there must be a culture of leisure as gratification. To put it another way: people who work must take the time to relax, to be with their families, to enjoy themselves, read, listen to music, play a sport.

My success comes in making fun of whatever you’re doing. That’s my way.

All genuinely intellectual work is humorous.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

Marriage is neither heaven nor hell, it is simply purgatory.

Kids end up seeing my movies anyway but some of the mothers get mad at me so I figured I’d make one that I can’t get yelled at for.

If Tiger Woods had played football, he would have been a quarterback.

I have no desire to crow over anybody or to see anybody eating crow, figuratively or otherwise. We should all get together and make a country in which everybody can eat turkey whenever he pleases.

When you’re coming up with new material, it’s not always gonna be good. The only way to learn is for it not to get a laugh, so you can adjust it and come back the next day to see if it’s working right. Next time, you might get a different laugh. You’re constantly rebuilding.

I’m odd looking. Sometimes I think I look like a funny muppet.

Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won’t die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn’t have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn’t want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.

I used to pray that God would make me a great athlete, and He never did.

Praise undeserved, is satire in disguise.

Most home teams have chapels, so when I’m on the road I’ll probably go to their services.

I’ve tried to reduce profanity but I reduced so much profanity when writing the book that I’m afraid not much could come out. Perhaps we will have to consider it simply as a profane book and hope that the next book will be less profane or perhaps more sacred.

It’s really fun to be on stage in front of people.

You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‚See if you can blow this out.‘

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‚Did you sleep good?‘ I said ‚No, I made a few mistakes.‘

The worst thing is for a player to come to a club and not be able to play.

Football is unconditional love.

It is forbidden to kill; therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets.

Everybody loved ‚The A-Team‘ because it was entertainment, pure and simple.

Like getting into a bleeding competition with a blood bank.

Wit is the lowest form of humor.

It’s really annoying for me. That’s not what I’m playing for, to be the face of the NBA or to be this or that or to take LeBron’s throne or whatever.

Wrestling is intimate. You can reach out and touch the wrestlers.

Music was an experience, intimately married to your life. You could pay to hear music, but after you did, it was over, gone – a memory.

The way I figured it, I was even with baseball and baseball with me. The game had done much for me, and I had done much for it.

When it comes down to it, glam rock was all very amusing. At the time, it was funny, then a few years later it became sort of serious-looking and a bit foreboding.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it’s feet first!

As long as I am playing competitive football I am happy.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

I don’t want to be the next Michael Jordan, I only want to be Kobe Bryant.

Personally yes I want our country to have one league. When it’s going to be one league, which we all are hearing, it has to be abiding by AFC rules.