I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.

I was extremely lucky that I had two great wives. It sounds a bit funny to say that, but it’s absolutely true.

The nice thing about being a celebrity is that, if you bore people, they think it’s their fault.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.

I don’t like magic – but I have been known to make guys disappear.

No one is laughable who laughs at himself.

I hate to be smart.

If you check your ego at the door when it comes to comedy, you’ve got a pretty good shot at making a great movie that you can commit yourself to, you can jump off the proverbial cliff with, and have a great time, and the audiences respond to that.

As you get older, you have more responsibilities; you have more commitments, more events, kids, you’re married now. You still have all the things that you’ve had, plus you just keep adding.

What I like about the jokes, to me it’s a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won’t be funny.

Any other woman who has to go to work and pick up the kids and make dinner – that’s way harder than what I have to do.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

I laugh and joke, but I don’t get distracted very easily.

Stand-up is my baby.

There is a rumour going around that I have found God. I think this is unlikely because I have enough difficulty finding my keys, and there is empirical evidence that they exist.

I’m sure we, the American people, are the butt of jokes by those in power.

It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.

That is why, no matter how desperate the predicament is, I am always very much in earnest about clutching my cane, straightening my derby hat and fixing my tie, even though I have just landed on my head.

When things are really dismal, you can laugh, or you can cave in completely.

A good laugh is sunshine in the house.

You know what, I’m very attracted to someone who makes me laugh and is that charming. Really, I could be charmed by anyone. I’m just a sucker for somebody that is charming.

There is nothing in which people more betray their character than in what they laugh at.

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

I make fun of situations and try and find the humor in things, but it’s never at the expense of the other guy.

Like getting into a bleeding competition with a blood bank.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I confess I enjoy democracy immensely. It is incomparably idiotic, and hence incomparably amusing.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Since childhood, I’ve been a clown. I’ve always liked being very funny or trying to make people laugh. It’s my original self.

Most of the stuff I do on the show comes out of me just trying to make my friends laugh.

Old age comes on suddenly, and not gradually as is thought.

I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up.

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

In the end, everything is a gag.

Jerry Ford is so dumb he can’t fart and chew gum at the same time.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.

No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.

Homework’s hard. Especially math. My kids joke with me. They tell me they have homework. I say, ‚Okay.‘ And then I sit down and they say, ‚It’s math.‘ ‚No! Not math! English, history, anything!‘

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?

I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her own way. And second, let her have it.

I try to be funny and not ignorant.

I’m crazy, but I’m not stupid.

People make jokes about my bosoms, why don’t they look underneath the breasts at the heart? It’s obvious I’ve got big ones and if people want to assume they’re not mine, then let them.

For me, the way I stay consistent is through stand-up comedy.

A lot of times, you could play me just the laughs from my set, and I could tell you, from the laugh, what the joke was. Because they match.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

There used to be an old bad joke. I hope it’s not so much a good joke anymore. ‚Everybody’s from Scranton; no one’s in Scranton.‘

I’m just a kid – I’ve got a lot of stuff to do yet.

Scratch a Yale man with both hands and you’ll be lucky to find a coast-guard. Usually you find nothing at all.

Is everything funny? For me, yes. There’s a positive to every negative. Even my divorce? For me, yes. If you go back and look at it, why it happened or how it happened, there’s something in there that’ll make you laugh.

He is winding the watch of his wit; by and by it will strike.

How many legs does a dog have if you call his tail a leg? Four. Saying that a tail is a leg doesn’t make it a leg.

Probably the happiest period in life most frequently is in middle age, when the eager passions of youth are cooled, and the infirmities of age not yet begun; as we see that the shadows, which are at morning and evening so large, almost entirely disappear at midday.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Do not laugh much or often or unrestrainedly.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

If I am not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don’t want to go there.

At twenty years of age the will reigns; at thirty, the wit; and at forty, the judgment.