Of puns it has been said that those who most dislike them are those who are least able to utter them.

We must laugh at man to avoid crying for him.

All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.

My comedy is different every time I do it. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.

People who do not know how to laugh are always pompous and self-conceited.

Of all the subjects on this planet, I think my parents would have been hard put to name one less useful than Greek mythology to securing the keys to an executive bathroom.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

My mother is from another time – the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that’s what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn’t know what I’m talking about. I know if I wasn’t her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going.

Wit is the lowest form of humor.

Trash talk? Smack talk? This is an American term that makes me laugh. I simply speak the truth. I’m an Irish man.

I did stand-up, weird and ignorant stuff about my career – anything for a laugh.

It’s very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that’s not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It’s a gut feeling.

‚Discworld‘ is taking something that you know is ridiculous and treating it as if it is serious, to see if something interesting happens when you do so.

I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: ‚O Lord make my enemies ridiculous.‘ And God granted it.

I don’t like politicians, and I don’t like politics. I definitely don’t want to be associated with any of them.

Work is that which you dislike doing but perform for the sake of external rewards. At school, this takes the form of grades. In society, it means money, status, privilege.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Since the very beginning, Emeril’s had a sense of humor about me calling him names and poking fun at him.

Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

It has always been my private conviction that any man who puts his intelligence up against a fish and loses had it coming.

You know what, I’m very attracted to someone who makes me laugh and is that charming. Really, I could be charmed by anyone. I’m just a sucker for somebody that is charming.

I bet after seeing us, George Washington would sue us for calling him ‚father.‘

It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

Marrying an old bachelor is like buying second-hand furniture.

God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

‚Educational‘ refers to the process, not the object. Although, come to think of it, some of my teachers could easily have been replaced by a cheeseburger.

Among those who dislike oppression are many who like to oppress.

A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.

Different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, ‚A house guest,‘ you’re wrong because I have just described my kids.

If I studied all my life, I couldn’t think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.

Every once in a while I get the highly inappropriate proposal which is like, ‚Wow, Really! You don’t even know me and I don’t know you at all, and you want that to happen? Tonight? Ok, I get off work at 7.30.‘

There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again.

I think that, ah, I’m a very goofy sort of person in many ways.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won’t die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn’t have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn’t want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.

Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial ‚we.‘

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I have no problem yelling at anybody’s kid – free of charge!

If you spend your life competing with business men, what do you have? A bank account and ulcers!

Morality is simply the attitude we adopt towards people whom we personally dislike.

I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.

If Everton were playing down the bottom of my garden, I’d draw the curtains.

Sometimes I wish my first word was ‚quote,‘ so that on my death bed, my last words could be ‚end quote.‘

I don’t think comedy will ever die.

I sing and play the guitar, and I’m a walking, talking bacterial infection.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.

It’s a good thing we don’t get all the government we pay for.

The genius, wit, and the spirit of a nation are discovered by their proverbs.