Are you laboring under the impression that I read these memoranda of yours? I can’t even lift them.

I’ll say things that are serious and put them in a joke form so people can enjoy them. We laugh to keep from crying.

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.

Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

I don’t feel that I’m explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I’m not trying to be a mirror, showing them what’s really going on the world. All I’m trying to do is think of stuff that’s funny, just like when I’m kidding around with my friends.

I often look ridiculous in Japan. There’s really no way to eat in Japan, particularly kaiseki in a traditional ryokan, without offending the Japanese horribly. Every gesture, every movement is just so atrociously wrong, and the more I try, the more hilarious it is.

The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.

A friend of mine jokes that I have a painstaking royalty complex. Like maybe I was a duke in a past life.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

There is no friend as loyal as a book.

A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.

What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.

I’m not a nerd, don’t plan to be a nerd and read books – which I can’t do at all.

The thing that I fear discriminating against is humor and truth.

Chris Rock does the political thing really well, but that never worked for me.

My neighbor has a circular driveway… he can’t get out.

I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don’t let anybody tell you different.

I’ve just had eighteen straight whiskies. I think that’s the record.

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.

If you check your ego at the door when it comes to comedy, you’ve got a pretty good shot at making a great movie that you can commit yourself to, you can jump off the proverbial cliff with, and have a great time, and the audiences respond to that.

Stand-up is hard.

My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.

A man ought to read just as inclination leads him, for what he reads as a task will do him little good.

People are always asking me in interviews, ‚What do you think of foreign affairs?‘ I just say, ‚I’ve had a few.‘

I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

I don’t know if I officially proofread my father’s book, but I read it. I did get some conception of grammar in general from that.

Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can’t predict what people will laugh at.

Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

My success comes in making fun of whatever you’re doing. That’s my way.

I read about eight newspapers in a day. When I’m in a town with only one newspaper, I read it eight times.

There is nothing in which people more betray their character than in what they laugh at.

You know what, I’m very attracted to someone who makes me laugh and is that charming. Really, I could be charmed by anyone. I’m just a sucker for somebody that is charming.

Stay active. Read the Word. Worship with other believers. Continue to give. Keep learning and growing. Your faith will be unleashed!

I often joke that 100 years from now I hope people are saying, ‚Dang, she looks good for her age!‘

It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

She’s been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

There is more treasure in books than in all the pirate’s loot on Treasure Island.

To be a successful father… there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.

Perhaps, as some wit remarked, the best proof that there is Intelligent Life in Outer Space is the fact it hasn’t come here. Well, it can’t hide forever – one day we will overhear it.

Wit is educated insolence.

Books like friends, should be few and well-chosen.

I cannot read a single word of the Hindoos without being elevated.

All genuinely intellectual work is humorous.

When you’re in comedy, people always come up and say, ‚Oh, it must be so hard.‘ It really isn’t hard unless you’re not good at it. If you can do it, its really kind of fun and easy.

As a country, we can’t teach kids how to read and write when we got 18 years to do it. And that’s – that’s a disgrace.

Different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

I’ve tried to reduce profanity but I reduced so much profanity when writing the book that I’m afraid not much could come out. Perhaps we will have to consider it simply as a profane book and hope that the next book will be less profane or perhaps more sacred.

I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the ‚Boston Phoenix,‘ and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that’s where I first saw ‚deadpan.‘

Books can only reveal us to ourselves, and as often as they do us this service we lay them aside.

Don’t be getting sloppy drunk and telling them dirty jokes.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

I read a lot of obscure books and it is nice to open a book.

I don’t think it’s possible to have a sense of tragedy without having a sense of humor.

Every man sees in his relatives, and especially in his cousins, a series of grotesque caricatures of himself.

The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything.

An onion can make people cry but there’s never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.

Read a record number of books in a given month. If you’re focused on intellectual growth, train yourself to study harder and longer than ever before.

Any reading not of a vicious species must be a good substitute for the amusements too apt to fill up the leisure of the labouring classes.

A young man who wishes to remain a sound atheist cannot be too careful of his reading.