A friend of mine jokes that I have a painstaking royalty complex. Like maybe I was a duke in a past life.

Writers are a little below clowns and a little above trained seals.

The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. It never works. That’s why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, ‚Bye!‘

I’ve seen George Foreman shadow boxing, and the shadow won.

God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.

If I am not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don’t want to go there.

I don’t get up, get dressed, go out, and think, ‚Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.‘

When things get so absurd and so stupid and so ridiculous that you just can’t bear it, you cannot help but turn everything into a joke.

I like the app where you can make your own memes. I make memes all the time and send them to my friends.

I don’t think it’s possible to have a sense of tragedy without having a sense of humor.

God and I have a great relationship, but we both see other people.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

I don’t know who I touch and who I don’t. I work hard trying to make people laugh. I try to do the kind of stuff that made me laugh growing up. I don’t have any secrets. I don’t know the reasons I’ve been so well received.

I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her own way. And second, let her have it.

That is why, no matter how desperate the predicament is, I am always very much in earnest about clutching my cane, straightening my derby hat and fixing my tie, even though I have just landed on my head.

I know I’m more on television, and I’m more recognisable than maybe even the players because they run and train, but I just stand there, and my face does all these funny things that everyone can see all the time.

Contrary to reports, this boy is not a billionaire or going to be richer than any Beatle… and not just in the sense of money, by the way; the Beatles are untouchable – those billionaire reports are a joke.

I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Nothing shows a man’s character more than what he laughs at.

I often look ridiculous in Japan. There’s really no way to eat in Japan, particularly kaiseki in a traditional ryokan, without offending the Japanese horribly. Every gesture, every movement is just so atrociously wrong, and the more I try, the more hilarious it is.

I hate to be smart.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It’s commenting or observing or twisting life.

Since the very beginning, Emeril’s had a sense of humor about me calling him names and poking fun at him.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.

There is only one step from the sublime to the ridiculous.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

An onion can make people cry but there’s never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.

I’m so old, I don’t buy green bananas any more.

The only way I’d be caught without makeup is if my radio fell in the bathtub while I was taking a bath and electrocuted me and I was in between makeup at home. I hope my husband would slap a little lipstick on me before he took me to the morgue.

A man’s got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

I often joke that 100 years from now I hope people are saying, ‚Dang, she looks good for her age!‘

I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

I am odd-looking. I sometimes think I look like a funny Muppet.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it!

I make fun of situations and try and find the humor in things, but it’s never at the expense of the other guy.

Government is like a baby. An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.

Are you laboring under the impression that I read these memoranda of yours? I can’t even lift them.

Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.

I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

Husbands never become good; they merely become proficient.

I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it’s the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It’s probably the most important thing in a person.

If you spend your life competing with business men, what do you have? A bank account and ulcers!

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man’s, I mean.

There’s many a man has more hair than wit.

When I was with Andy Warhol, I thought, ‚God, his wig looks cheaper than mine!‘

I was kind of secretly hoping one of my kids would go out and make a million bucks. So when they put me in a home, at least I’ll have a window with a view.

When I’m on stage, it’s really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It’s funny how different it looks and how it’s happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I’m going to get a bagel.

The two things in the world we all share in this world are laughter and pain. We’ve all got problems. The levels of those problems vary, but we’ve all got problems. When you can take things that are painful and make them funny, that’s a gift – to you and your audience.

It’s funny; recently I’ve started to notice people’s impersonations of me, and it’s basically like a hyperactive child.

The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.

Laughter is America’s most important export.

If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don’t get wet you can keep.

I know some of the best Dolly Parton jokes. I made ‚em up myself.

I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: ‚O Lord make my enemies ridiculous.‘ And God granted it.

Is life worth living? It all depends on the liver.