I’ve just had eighteen straight whiskies. I think that’s the record.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

My peers, lately, have found companionship through means of intoxication – it makes them sociable. I, however, cannot force myself to use drugs to cheat on my loneliness – it is all that I have – and when the drugs and alcohol dissipate, will be all that my peers have as well.

It’s sometimes comical to hear the younger generation ask their peers to repeat themselves.

Men show their character in nothing more clearly than what they think laughable.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.

You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.

I have been brought up and trained to have the utmost contempt for people who get drunk.

I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: ‚O Lord make my enemies ridiculous.‘ And God granted it.

I do not, in fact, use many puns. Certainly there are far fewer than people believe. But I suspect the ones I do occasionally use tend to hang around in people’s memories for a while.

People may think I’m trying something new by telling stories, but they’re just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That’s what I do.

I know some of the best Dolly Parton jokes. I made ‚em up myself.

Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There’s entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky.

When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.

Humor is the first of the gifts to perish in a foreign tongue.

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.

If you look at me close enough, there’s a small resemblance to a chicken nugget. I don’t know if it’s my skin texture or my hair, but the resemblance is definitely there.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

I won’t do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can’t, it’s not gonna make the team.

Praise undeserved, is satire in disguise.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Politics is applesauce.

In Beverly Hills… they don’t throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

The nice thing about being a celebrity is that, if you bore people, they think it’s their fault.

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

Contrary to reports, this boy is not a billionaire or going to be richer than any Beatle… and not just in the sense of money, by the way; the Beatles are untouchable – those billionaire reports are a joke.

I once told Nixon that the Presidency is like being a jackass caught in a hail storm. You’ve got to just stand there and take it.

Comedians are sociologists. We’re pointing out stuff that the general public doesn’t even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see.

The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.

I like George Carlin’s jokes. I like his humor. He’s one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.

Is life worth living? It all depends on the liver.

Of all the subjects on this planet, I think my parents would have been hard put to name one less useful than Greek mythology to securing the keys to an executive bathroom.

Any reviewer who expresses rage and loathing for a novel is preposterous. He or she is like a person who has put on full armor and attacked a hot fudge sundae.

‚Discworld‘ is taking something that you know is ridiculous and treating it as if it is serious, to see if something interesting happens when you do so.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

I am odd-looking. I sometimes think I look like a funny Muppet.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

I love nerdy, cute, quirky boys who don’t take themselves too seriously.

I’m half-Irish, half-Dutch, and I was born in Belgium. If I was a dog, I’d be in a hell of a mess!

Comedy’s about opening up and being unique, but to a point where the audience can relate to what you’re saying.

I confess I enjoy democracy immensely. It is incomparably idiotic, and hence incomparably amusing.

A good laugh is sunshine in the house.

I think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.

We were at a beach one summer, and I had a bathing suit on. My wife looked at me and said: ‚Boy, you are skinny, aren’t you?‘ I said: ‚Honey, I’d like to remind you that it was minor defects like this that kept me from getting a better wife.‘

When you’re in comedy, people always come up and say, ‚Oh, it must be so hard.‘ It really isn’t hard unless you’re not good at it. If you can do it, its really kind of fun and easy.

Some sarcasm is best told simply.

Marrying an old bachelor is like buying second-hand furniture.

Prohibition is better than no liquor at all.

I often joke that 100 years from now I hope people are saying, ‚Dang, she looks good for her age!‘

The great thing about having a bunch of kids is they just remind you that you’re the person who takes them to go poop!

The right honourable gentleman caught the Whigs bathing, and walked away with their clothes. He has left them in the full enjoyment of their liberal positions, and he is himself a strict conservative of their garments.

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.

Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.

When you’re coming up with new material, it’s not always gonna be good. The only way to learn is for it not to get a laugh, so you can adjust it and come back the next day to see if it’s working right. Next time, you might get a different laugh. You’re constantly rebuilding.

If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion.

I love making people laugh. And I love laughing.

I try to be funny and not ignorant.