When I was with Andy Warhol, I thought, ‚God, his wig looks cheaper than mine!‘

No one could have been nicer, classier nor better looking than Dick Clark. I’ve had a crush on him since I was a teenager.

For my generation, the bomber jacket is like a replacement for the suit jacket. It’s a piece that men wear every day, and it’s something that I would wear for any occasion, whether it’s on the street or going to an awards ceremony.

All genuinely intellectual work is humorous.

Some people are very good at being ‚stars‘ and it suits them. I’m grudging about it and I find it annoying.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it!

Everyone has at least one story, and each of us is funny if we admit it. You have to admit you’re the funniest person you’ve ever heard of.

Wit is educated insolence.

People who do not know how to laugh are always pompous and self-conceited.

I’m not sure what I think about current fashion, though. A few years ago, I would have said it’s really, really bad and you hardly ever see anybody looking good. There must be some very good designers in the world.

But, you know, it’s still a drag to get your picture taken when you’re eating a sandwich. It’s a downer.

I am a dangerous man when turned loose with a typewriter.

Most of the stuff I do on the show comes out of me just trying to make my friends laugh.

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

Whenever I want to laugh, I read a wonderful book, ‚Children’s Letters to God.‘ You can open it anywhere. One I read recently said, ‚Dear God, thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.‘

Joanne‘ is a progression for me. It was about going into the studio and forgetting that I was famous.

We’re so trendy we can’t even escape ourselves.

Liverpool people are famous for liking clothes and fashion; they are very social and lively people, and we know that they like clothes.

A lot of people think I’m a comedian.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I’m screamingly funny, you know, I really am in the books. And that helps because I’m funnier than a lot of people, I think, and that’s appreciated by young people.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

Ever since I started to get recognition I’ve picked out certain fans and reverse-stalked them.

In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb… and I also know that I’m not blonde.

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

I can’t disguise myself with a wig and dark glasses – the wheelchair gives me away.

Stand-up is hard.

I look just like the girls next door… if you happen to live next door to an amusement park.

I love wearing whatever is comfortable, and that could be something which was in trend years ago. So, I don’t follow fashion.

If I decide to make a coat red in the show, it’s not just red, I think: is it communist red? Is it cherry cordial? Is it ruby red? Or is it apple red? Or the big red balloon red?

I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

Doing collections, doing fashion is like a non-stop dialogue.

She laughs at everything you say. Why? Because she has fine teeth.

Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

Fashion is an imposition, a reign on freedom.

An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

Sarcasm: the last refuge of modest and chaste-souled people when the privacy of their soul is coarsely and intrusively invaded.

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.

I wear wigs all the time on shows, and every day when I’m in public, at Dollywood. People say, ‚How many wigs do you have?‘ And I say, ‚Well, at least 365 because I wear at least one a day.‘

You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.

You can always count on Americans to do the right thing – after they’ve tried everything else.

Nobody enjoys the ‚little show about nothing‘ humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it.

In Italy they take cheap cloth and make it look expensive, but I take expensive cloth and make it look cheap. They just don’t understand.

As an athlete, you’d better laugh at yourself when you slip in the mud.

A friend of mine jokes that I have a painstaking royalty complex. Like maybe I was a duke in a past life.

I still derive immense pleasure from remembering how many hod-carrying brickies were encouraged to put on lurex tights and mince up and down the high street, having been assured by know-it-alls like me that a smidgen of blusher really attracted the birds.

The sexiest thing that a woman can do, wear, and say all fall under one word to me: subtlety. To be subtle in the things that she does and the things she says and the things she wears – I appreciate the details.

Humor has justly been regarded as the finest perfection of poetic genius.

If you check your ego at the door when it comes to comedy, you’ve got a pretty good shot at making a great movie that you can commit yourself to, you can jump off the proverbial cliff with, and have a great time, and the audiences respond to that.

MySpace is my wife… Facebook is my mistress.

I enjoy wearing pins, and nobody tells me to do it.

I’m crazy, but I’m not stupid.

Praise undeserved, is satire in disguise.

Men show their character in nothing more clearly than what they think laughable.

There was a moment when designers draped in ermine would be reading Proust, or pretending to.

A lot of my rhymes are just to get chuckles out of people. Anybody with half a brain is going to be able to tell when I’m joking and when I’m serious.