I was very honored to get to be part of ‚American Idol.‘

I’m all about surprises. If you watch a horror movie, and it’s called ‚Kiss Land,‘ it’s probably going to be the most terrifying thing you’ve ever seen in your life.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

I enjoy acting when you really hit it right.

Will the people in the cheaper seats clap your hands? And the rest of you, if you’ll just rattle your jewelry.

For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.

I think music is something that can, and should, be used to get you into different things because eventually what goes up must come down – we’re not going to be the number one group in the world forever – so you have to have something else to fall back on.

To the audience, it’s like I’m changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show’s almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.

I know some of the best Dolly Parton jokes. I made ‚em up myself.

I did stand-up, weird and ignorant stuff about my career – anything for a laugh.

I’ve been reading tabloids since I was nine. I love a good story.

Chris Rock does the political thing really well, but that never worked for me.

My philosophy is, it’s always very rewarding when you can make an audience laugh. I don’t mind making fun of myself. I like self-deprecating comedy. But I’d like you to laugh with me occasionally, too.

Disneyland is a show.

Disneyland is the star, everything else is in the supporting role.

I don’t know who I touch and who I don’t. I work hard trying to make people laugh. I try to do the kind of stuff that made me laugh growing up. I don’t have any secrets. I don’t know the reasons I’ve been so well received.

And I try to give the best bang for the buck. I love performing more than anything else.

There are very few people who really appreciate my shows. People come to the show and they pay and they enjoy it, but I don’t really think most people really understand what they’ve seen.

There’s nothing funnier than the human animal.

I’m not a reality-TV kind of guy. But it’s almost like we’re living in a reality show. Every day in this country, everybody keeps worrying about the deterioration of America, and it’s like a big reality show.

My goal was never to be the loudest or the craziest. It was to be the most entertaining.

I enjoy driving on the sim, doing stuff like that, staying at home.

When Jerry Springer thinks you’ve gone too far, my friends, you have gone too far.

At the end of the day, the TV show is the best job in the world. I get to go anywhere I want, eat and drink whatever I want. As long as I just babble at the camera, other people will pay for it. It’s a gift.

I can remember earning £5,000 a game playing for Hibs at the end of the Seventies. They let me commute from London, train on the Friday and play on Saturday. That lasted until my friends at the Inland Revenue decided to take two-thirds. That wasn’t very entertaining for me.

I like Cardi B!

SNL is a home. You’ve got all of your brothers and sisters there, and it’s a great time.

You see some of the weirdest people in Detroit casinos.

I’m not a film buff. I don’t watch a lot of movies.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

Movies are a fad. Audiences really want to see live actors on a stage.

You make ‚em, I amuse ‚em.

I learned how important it is to entertain people and give them a reason to come and watch you play.

Taking in a baseball game on TV is also a big treat.

Music was an experience, intimately married to your life. You could pay to hear music, but after you did, it was over, gone – a memory.

When you’re in comedy, people always come up and say, ‚Oh, it must be so hard.‘ It really isn’t hard unless you’re not good at it. If you can do it, its really kind of fun and easy.

The PC has improved the world in just about every area you can think of. Amazing developments in communications, collaboration and efficiencies. New kinds of entertainment and social media. Access to information and the ability to give a voice people who would never have been heard.

Politics is the entertainment branch of industry.

When it comes down to it, glam rock was all very amusing. At the time, it was funny, then a few years later it became sort of serious-looking and a bit foreboding.

I don’t want people at my shows to come out and say, ‚I just saw a cool show.‘ I want them to say, ‚I had fun at the show.‘ I want it to be a collaborative thing and be part of the audience and have them be part of me. I try to interact with everyone there and have them be equal to me because they are.

Because you have things like ‚American Idol‘ and you’ve got radio stations that play music made entirely by computers, it’s easy to forget there are bands with actual people playing actual instruments that rock.

I love crime, I love mysteries, and I love ghosts.

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

Writers are a little below clowns and a little above trained seals.

Wrestling was like stand-up comedy for me. Every night I had a live audience of 25,000 people to win over. My goal was never to be the loudest or the craziest. It was to be the most entertaining.

Opera happens because a large number of things amazingly fail to go wrong.

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it’s so much fun.

Are we simply waving farewell to the days when some of the most interesting thinking in Europe and America came to us from our fiction film-makers? BBC2, which once introduced and showed great films, now shows none.

In music the passions enjoy themselves.

A lot of people think I’m a comedian.

I am a giant proponent of giant screens. But I accept the fact that most of my movies are going to be seen on phones.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

I absolutely want to have a career where you make’em laugh and make’em cry. It’s all theater.

Films and television and even comic books are churning out vast quantities of fictional narratives, and the public continues to swallow them up with great passion. That is because human beings need stories.

I’ll be like Bob Hope, touring when I’m 100.

I saw MotoGP on TV first, before I saw F1 and other types of car racing. It’s what I got more into. It was cool, there was good, exciting racing.

There’s only one thing that can kill the movies, and that’s education.

I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.

I can think of nothing more boring for the American people than to have to sit in their living rooms for a whole half hour looking at my face on their television screens.

As we all know, sequels can be tricky.

I saw ‚Magic Mike,‘ and I thought it was great.