Someone once asked me, ‚How long does it take to do your hair.‘ I said, ‚I don’t know, I’m never there.‘

I have so much that I want to do. I hate wasting time.

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

Every man sees in his relatives, and especially in his cousins, a series of grotesque caricatures of himself.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.

MySpace is my wife… Facebook is my mistress.

Many people take no care of their money till they come nearly to the end of it, and others do just the same with their time.

You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That’s what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.

Work as if you were to live a hundred years. Pray as if you were to die tomorrow.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‚Did you sleep good?‘ I said ‚No, I made a few mistakes.‘

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I am invariably late for appointments – sometimes as much as two hours. I’ve tried to change my ways but the things that make me late are too strong, and too pleasing.

Time is more value than money. You can get more money, but you cannot get more time.

And it comes from saying no to 1,000 things to make sure we don’t get on the wrong track or try to do too much. We’re always thinking about new markets we could enter, but it’s only by saying no that you can concentrate on the things that are really important.

My daughter doesn’t even get my humor. She’s like, ‚Um, no. I don’t get it, Dad. Mmm, no, not that one, Dad.‘

I realize I don’t do a very good job in keeping up to date, but I try to.

The thing that I fear discriminating against is humor and truth.

I met Woz when I was 13, at a friend’s garage. He was about 18. He was, like, the first person I met who knew more electronics than I did at that point. We became good friends, because we shared an interest in computers and we had a sense of humor. We pulled all kinds of pranks together.

My husband calls me ‚catfish.‘ He says I’m all mouth and no brains.

I can’t play bridge. I don’t play tennis. All those things that people learn, and I admire, there hasn’t seemed time for. But what there is time for is looking out the window.

Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

Jesters do often prove prophets.

People with clear, written goals, accomplish far more in a shorter period of time than people without them could ever imagine.

There used to be an old bad joke. I hope it’s not so much a good joke anymore. ‚Everybody’s from Scranton; no one’s in Scranton.‘

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Let me tell you something that we Israelis have against Moses. He took us 40 years through the desert in order to bring us to the one spot in the Middle East that has no oil!

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It’s like stealing a two-year-old.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

Time and money spent in helping men to do more for themselves is far better than mere giving.

If you don’t have the time to read, you don’t have the time or the tools to write.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.

You know, my main reaction to this money thing is that it’s humorous, all the attention to it, because it’s hardly the most insightful or valuable thing that’s happened to me.

When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.

That’s one of the biggest things. Never being home, always traveling, having different interests and focusing on different things, just the time aspect of going back home and seeing them, you don’t have that at all. It was a big sacrifice but, at the end of the day, it was worth it.

Procrastination is the bad habit of putting off until the day after tomorrow what should have been done the day before yesterday.

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

What’s with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?

It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

You can’t trample infidels when you’re a tortoise. I mean, all you could do is give them a meaningful look.

A good laugh is sunshine in the house.

Nothing great is created suddenly, any more than a bunch of grapes or a fig. If you tell me that you desire a fig. I answer you that there must be time. Let it first blossom, then bear fruit, then ripen.

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.

I’ve actually not read any books on time management.

It takes a long time to bring the past up to the present.

A lot of times, you could play me just the laughs from my set, and I could tell you, from the laugh, what the joke was. Because they match.

Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.

A broad margin of leisure is as beautiful in a man’s life as in a book. Haste makes waste, no less in life than in housekeeping. Keep the time, observe the hours of the universe, not of the cars.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie… a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.

Do not waste your time on Social Questions. What is the matter with the poor is Poverty; what is the matter with the rich is Uselessness.

A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

An onion can make people cry but there’s never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.

I’m not confused. I’m just well mixed.

Before beginning, plan carefully.

Politics is applesauce.

Did you know there’s a difference between being busy and being fruitful? Did you ever stop to think that just being busy – running around in circles all day but not accomplishing anything – is the same as wasting your time? It’s frustrating to expend so much energy and time and not have any fruit from your effort!

I’m a meathead, man. You’ve got smart people, and you’ve got dumb people. I just happen to be dumb.