A lot of people think I’m a comedian.

The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn’t have that kind of personality, and it’s a terrifying thing to say.

As a comedian, I found this thing, this profession, that suits my mind and life force. To drop it to do something else? I just don’t get that.

Most people wouldn’t know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.

Football games are on TV, and it doesn’t affect stadium attendance at all. It’s the same with movies. People who really love movies and like to go out on a Saturday night will go to the movie theater.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she’d kill me. She thinks I’m selling dope.

I’m sure we, the American people, are the butt of jokes by those in power.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

I didn’t tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn’t happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.

Funny is the world I live in. You’re funny, I’m interested. You’re not funny, I’m not interested.

I think that people are interested seeing me on the screen.

Believe it or not, I make myself laugh. Sometimes when I have thoughts or say some things that are funny, it just makes me laugh, and I don’t mind laughing at it before you guys do.

There are more things to alarm us than to harm us, and we suffer more often in apprehension than reality.

If my critics saw me walking over the Thames they would say it was because I couldn’t swim.

What is straight? A line can be straight, or a street, but the human heart, oh, no, it’s curved like a road through mountains.

Is life worth living? It all depends on the liver.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.

Government is like a baby. An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.

My son is becoming me – just a silly, silly prankster guy.

I’m trying to do what Eddie Murphy did for his generation. You have to show people, ‚I’m different. I’m not just a comedian.‘ I’m trying to become a rock star.

A good laugh is sunshine in the house.

There was a time when people said, ‚Jim, if you keep on making faces, your face will freeze like that.‘ Now they just say, ‚Pay him!‘

When you read, I’m sure you don’t realize that your eyes are going backwards and forwards and to this place and that place. Mine don’t do that.

Of all the senses, sight must be the most delightful.

My kids are the funniest two human beings there are.

It’s a funny old world.

What people see on court is another side of me; it’s not me.

People like to build their own story about my life. I don’t know if it makes them feel better, or if it makes it okay for them to not like me, but the last thing I grew up as was rich.

There is nothing in which people more betray their character than in what they laugh at.

My goal is to entertain myself and others.

I’m fascinated by the fact that we can’t grasp anything about time.

I confused things with their names: that is belief.

A grandmother pretends she doesn’t know who you are on Halloween.

You are always hoping that movie audiences are interested in characters and interested in story values rather than just mindless special effects. But you never know.

A person who can’t pay gets another person who can’t pay to guarantee that he can pay. Like a person with two wooden legs getting another person with two wooden legs to guarantee that he has got two natural legs. It don’t make either of them able to do a walking-match.

WWE is a space where I thrived, and I loved, and I still do. I love connecting with an audience; that is the greatest thing about going back to WWE.

He that is giddy thinks the world turns round.

When I do stand-up shows at colleges, girls will talk to me after the show, and that always feels good. I like talking to them.

I love music, and after my first experience with movies, I can’t wait to do more.

Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic – you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.

All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats.

In the end, everything is a gag.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?

According to Lifetime, I don’t know anything about TV.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

There’s no way to remove the observer – us – from our perceptions of the world.

I’m half-Irish, half-Dutch, and I was born in Belgium. If I was a dog, I’d be in a hell of a mess!

There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

Perception often lags behind reality, and I can say from experience that the vast majority of public officials in Louisiana are much better than our reputation holds us to be.

You can call me the bad boy chef all you want. I’m not going to freak out about it. I’m not that bad. I’m certainly not a boy, and it’s been a while since I’ve been a chef.

I don’t spend too much time on my phone, laptop or television. However, I do occasionally watch documentaries and shows on streaming platforms.

In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

There is an optical illusion about every person we meet.

If all men knew what others say of them, there would not be four friends in the world.

Anybody that doesn’t like Cardi B a hater!

Besides entertainment and action, I want to educate. You know, as a producer or director, we do have a responsibility to society.

I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: ‚O Lord make my enemies ridiculous.‘ And God granted it.

I was just a goofy little funny kid, who was always getting sent to the principal. It wasn’t serious because I was smart. I wasn’t like a true troublemaker, just rambunctious – like, talkative and trying to be funny. That was me in middle-school.

In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.

There are things known and there are things unknown, and in between are the doors of perception.