I look just like the girls next door… if you happen to live next door to an amusement park.

Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.

I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.

Jesters do often prove prophets.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.

My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‚All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.‘

If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything.

A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.

In Beverly Hills… they don’t throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

Every man sees in his relatives, and especially in his cousins, a series of grotesque caricatures of himself.

I’ve got a great sense of humor.

You can call me the bad boy chef all you want. I’m not going to freak out about it. I’m not that bad. I’m certainly not a boy, and it’s been a while since I’ve been a chef.

I now have two different audiences. There’s the one that has been watching my action films for 20 years, and the American family audience. American jokes, less fighting.

Scratch a Yale man with both hands and you’ll be lucky to find a coast-guard. Usually you find nothing at all.

If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion.

People want to know why I do this, why I write such gross stuff. I like to tell them I have the heart of a small boy… and I keep it in a jar on my desk.

If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: ‚President Can’t Swim.‘

I was just a goofy little funny kid, who was always getting sent to the principal. It wasn’t serious because I was smart. I wasn’t like a true troublemaker, just rambunctious – like, talkative and trying to be funny. That was me in middle-school.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

The problem with me, as far as getting married and having a family, is that my comedy is so important to me. So I don’t know if I’ll ever be as good a dad as my dad.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

Homework’s hard. Especially math. My kids joke with me. They tell me they have homework. I say, ‚Okay.‘ And then I sit down and they say, ‚It’s math.‘ ‚No! Not math! English, history, anything!‘

You make ‚em, I amuse ‚em.

I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the ‚Boston Phoenix,‘ and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that’s where I first saw ‚deadpan.‘

With the fearful strain that is on me night and day, if I did not laugh I should die.

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

I’ll tell you one thing, since I’m married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

As a comedian, I found this thing, this profession, that suits my mind and life force. To drop it to do something else? I just don’t get that.

The only way I’d be caught without makeup is if my radio fell in the bathtub while I was taking a bath and electrocuted me and I was in between makeup at home. I hope my husband would slap a little lipstick on me before he took me to the morgue.

A serious writer is not to be confounded with a solemn writer. A serious writer may be a hawk or a buzzard or even a popinjay, but a solemn writer is always a bloody owl.

Of all the subjects on this planet, I think my parents would have been hard put to name one less useful than Greek mythology to securing the keys to an executive bathroom.

I was the only kid who anybody I knew has ever seen actually walk into a lamppost with his eyes wide open. Everybody assumed that there must be something going on inside, because there sure as hell wasn’t anything going on on the outside!

Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie… a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.

I’m a pretty funny guy, and I would love to do a comedy with a bunch of funny guys – movie-star guys, where they could help me through it.

Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.

I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

I am not gay, but if I were, I would be the first one running out of the closet.

There used to be an old bad joke. I hope it’s not so much a good joke anymore. ‚Everybody’s from Scranton; no one’s in Scranton.‘

I remember the first time I had sex – I kept the receipt.

I think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Almost anything can be funny if said the right way – but it has to be said the right way.

Someone once asked me, ‚How long does it take to do your hair.‘ I said, ‚I don’t know, I’m never there.‘

I’ll die a crazy old man!

The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. It never works. That’s why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, ‚Bye!‘

A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

I’m always amazed that people take what I say seriously. I don’t even take what I am seriously.

What makes all doctrines plain and clear? About two hundred pounds a year. And that which was proved true before, prove false again? Two hundred more.

If Everton were playing down the bottom of my garden, I’d draw the curtains.

I don’t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I did stand-up, weird and ignorant stuff about my career – anything for a laugh.

I’m standing behind a wall of jokes. You don’t know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I’m not on the road. There’s this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don’t know anything about me.

Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It’s literary suicide.

Never injure a friend, even in jest.

Comedians are sociologists. We’re pointing out stuff that the general public doesn’t even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see.

There is nothing in which people more betray their character than in what they laugh at.

Chris Rock does the political thing really well, but that never worked for me.

I think it’s funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

There’s nothing funnier than the human animal.

It is the test of a good religion whether you can joke about it.