My husband says I look like a Q-tip.

Arthur Miller wouldn’t have married me if I had been nothing but a dumb blonde.

My mother and my father have been married 50 years, and he’s just started to understand that something’s wrong with the system. He accepted the whole thing, you see. Yet this industrious kind of engagement didn’t bring him the success, according to American terms, that he wanted. I was probably affected by this very much. In fact, I know I was.

Country radio is much more like a family than any other group of people that I’ve met.

Why, I’d horse-whip you if I had a horse.

There are some things you can’t share without ending up liking each other.

I’d love to date somebody cool, fun, funny.

I can’t relate to lazy people. We don’t speak the same language. I don’t understand you. I don’t want to understand you.

If I’d been born ugly, you’d never have heard of Pele.

You can close more business in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get people interested in you.

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

As I grow up, the lessons I learn in love and relationships and how we treat each other are hopefully maturing – hopefully.

Men get to be a mixture of the charming mannerisms of the women they have known.

No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.

The Bible is clear – God’s definition of marriage is between a man and a woman.

A lot of people think I’m a comedian.

My family is very good about visiting me, and other friends as well.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

Nothing is as obnoxious as other people’s luck.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.

I have often wondered how it is that every man loves himself more than all the rest of men, but yet sets less value on his own opinions of himself than on the opinions of others.

Although a skillful flatterer is a most delightful companion if you have him all to yourself, his taste becomes very doubtful when he takes to complimenting other people.

The chain of wedlock is so heavy that it takes two to carry it – and sometimes three.

Divorce is probably of nearly the same date as marriage. I believe, however, that marriage is some weeks the more ancient.

Friendship is essentially a partnership.

It’s annoying, but justice and equality are mates. Aren’t they? Justice always wants to hang out with equality. And equality is a real pain.

MySpace is my wife… Facebook is my mistress.

In our ecclesiastical region there are priests who don’t baptize the children of single mothers because they weren’t conceived in the sanctity of marriage. These are today’s hypocrites. Those who clericalize the church. Those who separate the people of God from salvation.

I must have read every issue of ‚Punch‘ published in the 20th century, and I think in the process I picked up the true voice of English humour – that amiable, fairly liberal, laconic voice which you find in something like ‚Three Men in a Boat.‘

Any man who doesn’t love his mama can’t be no friend of mine.

Marriage is neither heaven nor hell, it is simply purgatory.

My father was a mean, controlling and manipulative person for most of his life. He was unpredictable and unstable.

My family didn’t have a lot of money, so I worked my heart out to get my degrees. But the minute I graduated, suddenly everyone was asking me, ‚Well, when are you going to get married and start having kids?‘ And the truth is I had no idea how I would balance the expected role of wife and mother with a challenging career.

I bet after seeing us, George Washington would sue us for calling him ‚father.‘

Marriage is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the maximum of opportunity.

Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.

Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.

Marriage is good enough for the lower classes: they have facilities for desertion that are denied to us.

Disagreement is something normal.

So live with men as if God saw you and speak to God, as if men heard you.

There was once a caustic comment from someone suggesting I was breeding a new race. Fans from different countries have married, amazing things like that. I’ve been to some of the weddings. I went to one here the other day, a pagan ceremony.

I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the ‚Boston Phoenix,‘ and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that’s where I first saw ‚deadpan.‘

Friendship with ones self is all important, because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world.

Different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

Ultimately, who you choose to be in a relationship with and what you do in your bedroom is your business.

What’s really hard is that you could care a lot for someone and not want to live with him anymore.

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her own way. And second, let her have it.

There’s something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she’s only measured water in it.

As unique as we all are, an awful lot of us want the same things. We want to shake up our current less-than-fulfilling lives. We want to be happier, more loving, forgiving and connected with the people around us.

No matter what message you are about to deliver somewhere, whether it is holding out a hand of friendship, or making clear that you disapprove of something, is the fact that the person sitting across the table is a human being, so the goal is to always establish common ground.

Life is made of ever so many partings welded together.

A man is in general better pleased when he has a good dinner upon his table, than when his wife talks Greek.

Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

We can live without religion and meditation, but we cannot survive without human affection.

Strike an average between what a woman thinks of her husband a month before she marries him and what she thinks of him a year afterward, and you will have the truth about him.

My friends, there are no friends.

The second time around, I’ll understand that, as a husband, my wife doesn’t care about my opinions. I just need to tell her the things that will continue to help me stack the brownie points.

You tend to feel very hurt when people attack you and feel indifferent when you get praise. You think, ‚Of course they like it. They should like it.‘

She laughs at everything you say. Why? Because she has fine teeth.