In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.
H. L. MenckenA two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.
Jerry SeinfeldAs a comedian, I found this thing, this profession, that suits my mind and life force. To drop it to do something else? I just don’t get that.
Jerry SeinfeldWhy should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn’t!
George Bernard ShawAn idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.
H. L. MenckenI think when people mean that Discworld books have become darker they really mean the series is growing up. In ‚The Colour of Magic‘ most of the city is set alight. It’s a joke, in much the same way that the Earth is destroyed almost at the start of Douglas Adams’s ‚The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.‘
Terry PratchettMy son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it’s feet first!
Henny YoungmanWhenever I say I made a record in the garage, people just assume that I have, like, a Lear jet parked in there or something. But really there’s old luggage, a couple of bikes. It’s big enough to put one minivan in. That’s it. No dartboard. I’m so not macho.
Dave GrohlWhen they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer ‚Present‘ or ‚Not guilty.‘
Theodore RooseveltIf at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.
Henny YoungmanI’m not denyin‘ the women are foolish. God Almighty made ‚em to match the men.
George EliotI was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho MarxHow many legs does a dog have if you call his tail a leg? Four. Saying that a tail is a leg doesn’t make it a leg.
Abraham LincolnMarriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
Groucho MarxI hate to be smart.
Paulo CoelhoI’m half-Irish, half-Dutch, and I was born in Belgium. If I was a dog, I’d be in a hell of a mess!
Audrey HepburnI wake up in the morning and my heart is light, man. It’s not heavy. I don’t have skeletons in the closet on their way out.
DrakeCrankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There’s entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky.
Jerry SeinfeldI love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it’s the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It’s probably the most important thing in a person.
Audrey HepburnI’m not a serious person, and I don’t like serious people.
Ray BradburyBut I did ‚Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure.‘ They made a cereal out of it, so once you’ve had a cereal, it doesn’t get much more surreal than that. Surreal cereal.
Keanu ReevesIf you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
Steven WrightI laugh and joke, but I don’t get distracted very easily.
LeBron JamesI don’t need therapy. I’m not going to see a therapist; comedy acts as my therapy. I put my problems out there. I talk about them. I talk about everything before anybody has a chance.
Kevin HartNobody enjoys the ‚little show about nothing‘ humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it.
Jerry SeinfeldEveryone has at least one story, and each of us is funny if we admit it. You have to admit you’re the funniest person you’ve ever heard of.
Maya AngelouI grew up in a funny way.
Gordon RamsayIf you look at me close enough, there’s a small resemblance to a chicken nugget. I don’t know if it’s my skin texture or my hair, but the resemblance is definitely there.
Kevin HartI’ve always had to conquer fear when I’m on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It’s absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I’m okay. It’s like I’m out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me.
Steven WrightThe only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
Erma BombeckIn Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
Groucho MarxI’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.
Henny YoungmanI have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.
Groucho MarxNever lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
Erma BombeckOK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Steven WrightA vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.
Tennessee WilliamsI confess I enjoy democracy immensely. It is incomparably idiotic, and hence incomparably amusing.
H. L. MenckenBuild a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
Terry PratchettIt’s a funny old world.
Margaret ThatcherI’m always amazed that people take what I say seriously. I don’t even take what I am seriously.
David BowieI’ve just had eighteen straight whiskies. I think that’s the record.
Dylan ThomasA lot of critics object to what I do, but I got into comedy to make people laugh, and I’ve always worked hard.
Adam SandlerMarriage is neither heaven nor hell, it is simply purgatory.
Abraham LincolnBut, you know, it’s still a drag to get your picture taken when you’re eating a sandwich. It’s a downer.
Keanu ReevesI’ve been thinking of humorous things since I was… I can’t remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.
Steven WrightComedy Central was a great network, but ‚Chappelle’s Show‘ took it to a completely different level. Other shows got bigger because so many viewers were watching the ‚Chappelle‘ reruns. For BET, the ‚Real Husbands of Hollywood‘ has that same potential.
Kevin HartIf Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?
Will RogersYou know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.
Jerry SeinfeldWhen I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‚Did you sleep good?‘ I said ‚No, I made a few mistakes.‘
Steven WrightI like George Carlin’s jokes. I like his humor. He’s one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.
Steven WrightI look just like the girls next door… if you happen to live next door to an amusement park.
Dolly PartonHumor is reason gone mad.
Groucho MarxBigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
Oscar WildeI must have read every issue of ‚Punch‘ published in the 20th century, and I think in the process I picked up the true voice of English humour – that amiable, fairly liberal, laconic voice which you find in something like ‚Three Men in a Boat.‘
Terry PratchettGood jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn’t give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn’t seem right.
Steven WrightI was a class clown. At 12, I was definitely clowning. I was making all the jokes. But I was smart, so the teachers didn’t know what to do with me.
J. ColeThe aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being, but to remind him that he is already degraded.
George OrwellSNL is a home. You’ve got all of your brothers and sisters there, and it’s a great time.
Adam SandlerI had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
Steven WrightI have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her own way. And second, let her have it.
Lyndon B. Johnson