The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. It never works. That’s why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, ‚Bye!‘
Jerry Seinfeld‚They‘ is… stay away from them, please. There is so many different definitions of ‚they.‘ You might have a personal ‚they.‘ They against you; they want you broken and miserable. They don’t like winners; they don’t like people who’s blessed. So everybody’s got a different ‚they.‘
DJ KhaledEvery man has his own courage, and is betrayed because he seeks in himself the courage of other persons.
Ralph Waldo EmersonAll those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
Steven WrightYou’re never as good as everyone tells you when you win, and you’re never as bad as they say when you lose.
Lou HoltzYou are victors, not victims!
Joel OsteenIf at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
Steven WrightDignity, and even holiness too, sometimes, are more questions of coat and waistcoat than some people imagine.
Charles DickensYou know, my Grandpop Finnegan used to have an expression: he used to say, ‚Joey, the guy in Olyphant’s out of work, it’s an economic slowdown. When your brother-in-law’s out of work, it’s a recession. When you’re out of work, it’s a depression.‘
Joe BidenEverything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.
Will RogersIn the end, everything is a gag.
Charlie ChaplinWhenever I say I made a record in the garage, people just assume that I have, like, a Lear jet parked in there or something. But really there’s old luggage, a couple of bikes. It’s big enough to put one minivan in. That’s it. No dartboard. I’m so not macho.
Dave GrohlI love that I can tell the truth and have people laugh at it.
Kevin HartThere is more to sex appeal than just measurements. I don’t need a bedroom to prove my womanliness. I can convey just as much sex appeal, picking apples off a tree or standing in the rain.
Audrey HepburnThere’s nothing like white trash at the White House.
Dolly PartonSelf-confidence is the first requisite to great undertakings.
Samuel JohnsonI’m a can-do girl.
Abby Lee MillerWhat if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
Woody AllenI’m looking for backing for an unauthorized auto-biography that I am writing. Hopefully, this will sell in such huge numbers that I will be able to sue myself for an extraordinary amount of money and finance the film version in which I will play everybody.
David BowieThe secret to humor is surprise.
AristotleI had a period where I thought I might not be good enough to publish.
Stephen KingBachelors have consciences, married men have wives.
Samuel JohnsonI’m considered wise, and sometimes I see myself as knowing. Most of the time, I see myself as wanting to know. And I see myself as a very interested person. I’ve never been bored in my life.
Maya AngelouI’m not really concerned with portraying this tough warrior – I mean, that’s part of my job and I take that very seriously. But I don’t have anything to hide, and I’m not concerned with what people think.
Tom BradyI told Warren if he mentions Prop. 13 one more time, he has to do 500 push-ups.
Arnold SchwarzeneggerThere will be days when I walk in an arena and people will cheer and then there might be days when I walk in an arena and people might boo, but it all sounds the same to me because it’s all just noise that lets me know that I’m relevant.
DrakeI have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming.
Jimmy CarterThere used to be an old bad joke. I hope it’s not so much a good joke anymore. ‚Everybody’s from Scranton; no one’s in Scranton.‘
Joe BidenGod made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.
Mark TwainMen don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
Jerry SeinfeldWhy would anyone steal a shopping cart? It’s like stealing a two-year-old.
Erma BombeckI am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
Woody AllenGovernment is like a baby. An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.
Ronald ReaganDid you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
Erma BombeckMost of the stuff I do on the show comes out of me just trying to make my friends laugh.
Adam SandlerI still derive immense pleasure from remembering how many hod-carrying brickies were encouraged to put on lurex tights and mince up and down the high street, having been assured by know-it-alls like me that a smidgen of blusher really attracted the birds.
David BowieI am the greatest, I said that even before I knew I was.
Muhammad AliI have trust issues with allowing other individuals to know my innermost secrets for fear of how I may be viewed. Everyone has this.
Kevin GatesI often look ridiculous in Japan. There’s really no way to eat in Japan, particularly kaiseki in a traditional ryokan, without offending the Japanese horribly. Every gesture, every movement is just so atrociously wrong, and the more I try, the more hilarious it is.
Anthony BourdainI have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough.
Mark TwainI am odd-looking. I sometimes think I look like a funny Muppet.
Angelina JolieWhy can’t I just eat my waffle?
Barack ObamaI am whatever you say I am; if I wasn’t, then why would you say I am.
EminemFunk, I don’t think I have anything to do with funk. I’ve never considered myself funky.
David BowieLet me tell you something that we Israelis have against Moses. He took us 40 years through the desert in order to bring us to the one spot in the Middle East that has no oil!
Golda MeirA lot of times, you could play me just the laughs from my set, and I could tell you, from the laugh, what the joke was. Because they match.
Jerry SeinfeldThat is why, no matter how desperate the predicament is, I am always very much in earnest about clutching my cane, straightening my derby hat and fixing my tie, even though I have just landed on my head.
Charlie ChaplinNever lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
Erma BombeckMy life has been one great big joke, a dance that’s walked a song that’s spoke, I laugh so hard I almost choke when I think about myself.
Maya AngelouIs it weird in here, or is it just me?
Steven WrightI have no desire to crow over anybody or to see anybody eating crow, figuratively or otherwise. We should all get together and make a country in which everybody can eat turkey whenever he pleases.
Harry S. TrumanThere’s nothing funnier than the human animal.
Walt DisneyIf you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
Steven WrightSomeone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.
Erma BombeckI was the only kid who anybody I knew has ever seen actually walk into a lamppost with his eyes wide open. Everybody assumed that there must be something going on inside, because there sure as hell wasn’t anything going on on the outside!
Douglas AdamsIf you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
George Bernard ShawLaughter is America’s most important export.
Walt DisneyAgainst the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.
Mark TwainI’d love to date somebody cool, fun, funny.
RihannaA Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.
Henny Youngman